By Ilene Lerner
CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –Fortunately or unfortunately, my daughter Emily recently separated from her husband of thirty years, Chris Messier, and when I called to speak with her one summer day, her new voice message said I had reached the home of Emily Graf Messier. Graf is the last name of my first husband, Emily’s father. Well, wanting to acknowledge this change in her nomenclature, tease her and maybe get a laugh from her, I left my reply, “Emily, this is Ilene Sheila Axelrod, Sall, Graf, Hauck, Lerner, your mother. Please call me when you get a chance.”
Wow, you must be thinking; that’s a lot of last names! How did she get so many? Has she been married as many times as Elizabeth Taylor? No way, I’ve only been married twice (and had a couple of boyfriends.) I was born Ilene Sheila Axelrod; my father Edward Axelrod, died in World War II, when I was three. When I was four and a half, my Mom married Bernie Sall, a returning veteran, who was crazy as a bedbug, but a lot more dangerous. At 19, I married Gus Graf, but after 7 ½ years, I divorced him; then I married Roger Hauck. But after 13 years together we divorced and relations between us deteriorated as suddenly as a stock market crash. Unlike companies that can change their names when they change management, I was left with my last husband’s name, Hauck, and I didn’t want it. I wanted a new name, a name of my own choosing, not one that would evaporate if a marriage began or ended. I was desperately seeking a name for the rest of my life.
So began my quiet and personal quest for a new last name. I was forever searching for this mythical name. Every bit of printed material, newspapers, tabloids, cereal boxes, signs, posters, products and billboards I saw were scrutinized for a new last name: Ilene River, Ilene green, Ilene Summer, Ilene Salamander. On and on went the search for a new last name; year after year of trying on new names like new clothes without finding any thing that suited, that would jump out at me and become mine by choice. I needed a new name for the next fifty years of my life, but the years went on and no name had satisfied me.
Finally I realized I needed to establish some guidelines for choosing my new last name. First, I wanted it to be a Jewish name, because I wanted to take back my Jewish identity. Axelrod, my birth name, would have been okay, except it sounded too much like a car part. I wanted a name that had a softer sound, with more vowels and less consonants than Hauck. In 1992, I was working at the Massachusetts Attorney Generals Office as a paralegal. I met an attorney there whose last name was Lerner. He was full of integrity and intelligence, and I realized that everyone that I had met who was called Lerner had been a really nice person. Lerner, even minus the a, described me well, I love learning, plus it was a Jewish name and sounded pleasant to me. I decided to join the Lerner clan, even telling my friend the attorney I was adopting his name and receiving his warm permission. “It’s ok with me,” he said.
As a result of working at the Attorney General’s Office I learned that a new law had been passed opening another route to changing one’s name, other than going to court and paying about $700. One simply had to present a picture ID with one’s old name and a picture ID with one’s new name at the Social Security Office to get a new card, with a new name. I knew the man who took photographs on the twentieth floor for new employees ID badges, so one day I took the elevator upstairs and asked him to make me a new ID card with my chosen name. He readily agreed, took a new photo of me and in a few minutes, I had my first document with my new name, Ilene Lerner.
The very next day I headed over to the Boston Social Security Office, armed with my two photo IDs and presented a clerk with my request. I was told that I had to go to court. Obviously, I was the first person to test this law. I told him I worked at the A.G.’s Office and that I knew there was a new law that would allow me to change my name in this manner. After a few phone calls and the better part of an hour spent sitting in a crowded and uncomfortable waiting room, I was called and received my new card with my new name.
Now I had only to change my driver’s license, bank accounts, credit cards, and the name on my mailbox. When all that was done, it was time to tell family and friends, that I had a new name. I was unprepared for their response. It was difficult for people to understand that I had just taken a new name.
“But who is Lerner, “ they would ask.
“Me,” I would answer.
“But is it a maiden name?”
“No.”
“A family name?”
“No.”
“But I don’t understand. Who is Lerner then?”
“No, you don’t understand. Lerner is me.”
Men and women alike would ask, “But where did you get the name Lerner?”
“I just took it.”
“You just took it.”
“Yes. I stole it.”
When women finally understood what I had done, they generally responded favorably, “Cool, Girl!”
But when men finally understood, they would look me up and down and tell me, “You are one crazy woman!”
All except for my boyfriend, Jimmy. I remember saying, “Guess what Jimmy, I am not Ilene Hauck anymore!”
“No? Who are you then?” he said.
“Ilene Lerner.”
“Well,” he said, “Miss Lerner. Welcome!”
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Lerner, a freelance writer in Cambridge, Massachusetts, may be contacted at ilene.lerner@sdjewishworld.com