Categorized | Baron_Lawrence, Lighter Side

Humoring the headlines: December 31, 2013

By Laurie Baron

Lawrence (Laurie) Baron

Lawrence (Laurie) Baron

SAN DIEGO―The Affordable Health Care Act mandates that vending machines indicate the number of calories next to each of its products.  Since research indicates that many people ignore such information, Health and Human Services is considering posting a photograph of Chris Christie on the containers for high caloric snacks and sodas.
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Egyptian author Amr Ammar claims that John Stewart and Zbigniew Brzezinski are conspiring with Egyptian satirist Bassem Youssef to undermine the Egyptian government on behalf of Israel and international Jewry.  This prompted diehard supporters of Muammar Gadaffi to charge that Steven Colbert and John Kerry fomented the overthrow the Libyan dictator to give the Vatican a bigger country to rule.
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The Russian ship MV Akademik Shokalskiy is still stuck in ice near Antarctica.  The ship’s captain skyped that the crew and passengers are not worried about starving so long as rescue organizations continue to supply them with frozen food.  He added that the galley still has plenty of flavored syrup for snow cones.
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UPS and FedEx remain backlogged with orders that were scheduled to arrive before Christmas.  Taking his example from the private sector, President Obama has coined a new slogan for healthcare.gov, “We’ll deliver after the New Year.”
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As 2013 ends, 1.3 million Americans have lost their long term unemployment payments and 47 million others are receiving less food stamps,  Congressional Republicans believe this kind of deficit cutting will bolster their support with Tea Party voters and plan to ring in the New Year by singing a new version of “Auld Lang Syne.”
May job creators keep their wealth, and never pay a tax.
For auld lang syne, my friend, for auld lang syne, .
We’ll drink a cup to meanness yet, all for the bottom line.

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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University.  He may be contacted via  [email protected]

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