Humoring the headlines: July 7, 2014

 

By Laurie Baron

Laurie Baron
Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO-Torah lessons: Deuteronomy XIX: 21 “And your eye shall not pity: life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot.” In other words, you can’t kill someone for a murder or murders he or she did not commit. Deuteronomy XXV: 1-2: “If there be a controversy between men, and they come unto judgment, and the judges judge them, by justifying the righteous and condemning the wicked, then it shall be, if the wicked man deserves to be beaten, that the judge shall cause him to lie down and to be beaten before his face, according to the measure of his wickedness.”

While the Israelites didn’t videotape arrests, I’m pretty sure this passage bans the beating of someone after he or she has been subdued.

*

Soon driverless cars and trucks will replace those driven by human beings. Only then will we have achieved the prerequisites for no-fault insurance.

*

Sixty people were shot this weekend in Chicago. Nine of them died.   If the NRA contends that this bloodbath proves the necessity of arming law abiding citizens with guns, Wayne LaPierre should be dropped into a tough Chicago neighborhood to see how long he survives.

*

In a television interview Joan Rivers called Michelle Obama a “tranny” (a transsexual). The irony of this charge was not lost on viewers who are acutely aware that every part of Joan Rivers’ face and body has been transplanted from somewhere else.

*

ISIS has announced that it has restored the ancient Islamic Caliphate. After crucifying rebels in Syria, it also claimed it was reviving the Roman Empire.

*

Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University.  He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com.  San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.