By Natasha Josefowitz, Ph.D.
LA JOLLA, California — In the early 1900s, Constantin Stanislavski—who invented what is known as “method acting”—said that to achieve great acting and great writing one has to know what a fictional character wants and needs. And it is not only our needs for food, shelter, and security, it has to do with desire, an unquenchable longing for something we cannot live without. We overcome obstacles in ways we cannot imagine doing in pursuit of that goal.
I asked a few people to name one thing they could not live without. This list includes the following:
Before you read the next paragraph, ask yourself the question, “What can’t you live without?” And here are some answers from people I interviewed:
love … challenge … my dog … books … people … mastery … friends … John … nature … success … orderliness … painting … my computer … family … recognition … my faith … power … Jesus … having a project.
One person even answered, “There is nothing I can’t live without.” In asking myself the same question, I came up with: understanding the world I live in. So I live on a constant learning curve.
This leads to my next question: What makes us happy? Happiness is a state of mind that we have some control over. It is also a journey—a journey towards achieving what we most desire. To make progress we must be able to postpone an immediate gratification toward that future goal. So the happy person’s stance is one foot in the present with the awareness and gratefulness for what one has and one foot in an uncertain future where we can pursue whatever it is that we cannot live without.
Studies have shown that people who are risk-takers, willing to explore new ways of thinking, doing, feeling, are happier than those who never leave their comfort zone. Psychologists Kashdan and Steger of Colorado State found curiosity as a mark of happiness. Sameness and predictability may seem safer and therefore comfortable, but do not necessarily lead to happiness. The happiest people are those on a journey to as yet unknown discoveries.
I live in a senior community where most people are finding happiness as a state of contentment. They are done with the struggles of achievements, of having to earn a living. We are definitely there with one foot in the present, grateful every day and perhaps a foot in the past, enjoying who we were and what we have experienced. And for some it is an opportunity to explore new sides of themselves.
The people who fare the worst on the happiness scale are those who pursue it—happiness can only be achieved as a bi-product of something else. Which takes us back to what we desire most, for being on a journey towards that ultimate goal is what will make us happy with all the bumps in the road along the way. The happiest people are also less conscientious about performance and don’t sweat the small stuff. They brush off small slights; they are less skeptical, less critical. Life includes happiness, but also sadness, playfulness and seriousness, autonomy and belonging, mastery and failure, but perhaps more than anything else, the ability to rise above misfortunes, in other words, resilience, emotional flexibility.
What do you desire? Identify what makes you happy. If you are longing for something that is impossible to achieve, can you get more realistic and look for what is still possible to have or to be? And then go there….
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Natasha Josefowitz is a freelance writer based in the San Diego suburb of La Jolla. This article previously appeared in the La Jolla Village News. The author may be reached via natasha.josefowitz@sdjewishworld.com