By Eric George Tauber
SAN DIEGO — “Congratulations, it’s a boy.”
In the traditional view, that single statement determines the course of one’s life. Boys are rambunctious and ambitious, future soldiers and captains of industry. Girls are soft and nurturing, future wives and mothers. But what if your assigned role doesn’t suit you?
Well, that’s what the Glamouresse Pageant is for. Through a flamingo-pink archway emerge six contestants with frilly pink dresses, ravishing wigs …and manly tenor voices.
Each of the six contestants represents a different part of the USA. Rather, each represents a regional stereotype and an affected dialect. Miss Deep South is an antebellum southern belle in a gown of purple roses. Miss Bible Belt is proud to be a “born-again” Christian … in drag? Miss Texas is a proud Texan. Miss Industrial Northeast is a feisty, working-class Latina. Miss West Coast is an air-headed, tie-dyed hippie and Miss Great Plains is a champion of good ole Mother Nature.
Each of the contestants competed in the usual evening gown, swim- suit and talent competitions. Plus, to cover costume changes, each plugged an absurdly suggestive Glamour- esse beauty product cleverly designed by Mike McKeon.
Phil Johnson was perfect as the M.C., Frankie Cavalier. Sporting a cheesey smile and a rhinestone trimmed purple velvet suit, he introduced the evening’s four celebrity judges (randomly selected audience members) and they actually got to vote, choosing whom the next Miss Glamouresse would be.
Charles Osborne was the most believable female as Miss Texas. A consummate entertainer, he was quite the hoofer and singer in his talent portion, kicking up a hearty “Yeeha!”
David McBean was hilarious as Miss Deep South, especially when doing the voices for puppets of Granma and Grampa singing “Camptown Lady”. His ventriloquism was impeccable. Hours in front of a mirror definitely showed and really paid off.
Connor Tibbs as Miss Great Plains was ridiculously funny as a melodramatic environmentalist crying out on behalf of Mother Earth while Luke Harvey Jacobs’ interpretive dance as Miss West Coast was just the sort of pretentious art one would expect in a Venice Beach coffee house cloudy with weed.
Ryan Fahey’s Miss Bible Belt pulled no punches against the Christian right, especially when singing “Banking on Jesus”. Was he lampooning the entire religion or a culture that distills something as inscrutable as faith down to a bumper-sticker? It’s a tough call, but he’s offensively funny.
From Max Cadillac’s Miss Industrial Northeast, I would like to have seen something with more flair. Such ham-fisted accordion playing just didn’t do the trick.
For the swimsuit competition, they rightly chose old-fashioned one-pieces over bikinis, showing off their broad shoulders and iron pumping man-guns.
The funniest yet darkest routine was the “Beauty Hotline”. Each contestant takes a “random” call from someone having a beauty crisis -such as giving birth or needing money for medication- and gives advice on the spot.
The biggest star of the show is Costume Designer Shirley Pierson. From Cavalier’s outrageous suits to the varied and colorful evening gowns –giving the actors some crazy fast costume changes- the visual banquet was a feast for the eyes.
If you like your genders distinct and clear-cut, this would not be your cup of tea. And don’t expect a kosher certificate from the Orthodox Union anytime soon. But if gender-identity is something “open to interpretation”, and you love a good pull-no-punches lampoon, these “guys” will have you roaring in the offensively funny Pageant.
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Tauber is a freelance writer specializing in the arts. He may be contacted at eric.tauber@sdjewishworld.com