By Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D.
SAN DIEGO — This year it begins on Wednesday evening, September 25th. Our chance, once again, to reset the “character clock” and start renewed, fresh, and cleansed. With the beginning of the “High Holidays,” Jews throughout the world are offered the opportunity again to join in the oldest, most widespread, and clearly most effective therapeutic experience the world has ever known – “teshuva,” or “return.”
When the woman of the home lights the candles in honor of the holy day and offers blessings, she not only ushers in the beginning of Rosh Hashanah, but she also creates the light that signals that it is time to open our eyes and see all that is good and all that we can become.
There seems to be great confusion about the process of improving one self, at least according to Jewish tradition. In fact, this process forms the basis of many secular psychologically based improvement programs, including Alcoholics Anonymous and many other “12-Step” programs.
The need to improve does not imply that one is necessarily “bad.” In fact, when someone commits a “sin” that, too, does not imply that one is “bad.”
In Hebrew we use the word “chet” to refer to sin. However that definition is inaccurate. A more accurate definition is “missing the target” or “making a mistake.” It is as if the person has misfired, gone awry, made an error, a blunder, a boo-boo. Normal, healthy, well-adjusted people slip up now and then.
Good citizens sometimes look the other way when they would be wiser to stop and help. Nice people gossip when they know it is better to zip their lip. First-rate humans take revenge instead of forgiving and letting go. Fine men and women lie instead of telling the truth.
They have missed the target. But that does not make them “bad.”
Why? Why would otherwise, good, nice, first-rate, fine people do the wrong thing when they know it is wrong? Jewish tradition tells us even excellent folks at times slip up and get confused because of a “noisy soul.”
“Noisy soul?” What kind of noise, you may wonder? The noise that comes from our physical bodies rather than from our souls. And that “noise” is always a roar that can cloud even the most focused, most disciplined and most closely controlled among us. Imagine what is can do to the rest of us?
Ever go to a rock concert and become deafened by the noise, er, I mean the music? After you leave, it takes awhile for your hearing to get back to normal, but it does come back, usually as good as new. Like all noise, thankfully, we can turn it off if we know how. And when it’s off, we are back to the quiet we know is ultimately more enjoyable.
This is what “teshuva” is all about during the Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Succot, Hoshana Rabbah, Shmini Atzeret and Simchas Torah holidays. We check our hearing, recognize that we have become confused by the overwhelming physical noise of the past year, and “return” to our earlier level of clarity, or spiritual purity.
How do we accomplish this immensely important psychological process? There are four essential steps. We can’t skip any of these steps and expect to achieve maximum benefit. Just like you wouldn’t skip a therapy session or a dose of medicine and expect to improve, so too with “teshuva.” Skip a step at your own peril.
Here are the four steps:
- Regret. First, this is not guilt. Guilt implies feeling bad. Remember how I began? This is not about being bad. It is about reclaiming purity. Regret, therefore, indicates that you realize what you’ve done and the damage it’s caused you and perhaps others as well. When you feel regret, you know you are on the way to improving. Without feeling regret, improvement is not possible.
- Cessation. You must stop what you’ve been doing. Simple enough. It’s wrong and you know it and that little voice inside is unrelenting telling you it’s wrong. Unless you stop, the process of improving stops here.
- Confession. Sorry, but only in the movies does, “Love mean never having to say you’re sorry.” If you want to emerge from the High Holidays purged, and spiritually reset to your soul’s default, you must say you are sorry for the mistakes you’ve made and ask forgiveness. You must say it out loud, to yourself. This is difficult. We often want to make our errors someone else’s fault. It never is. This step says, “Take responsibility” for your errors by articulating it, admitting the truth, be humble and contrite.
- Resolve Never to Repeat the Mistake. Commit, sincerely, never to make the same mistake again. O.K., you may, but that’s not the point. The point is that you’ve made a sincere effort to change and have taken the right steps to do so. No one can expect more than that. If you take the first correct steps, you will find the help to continue taking the right steps to improve.
When you follow these four steps, as difficult as they may be, not only will you improve, but the world around you will improve as well.
At times, it helps to have guideposts along the way to insure self-improvement. Here are some questions you might ponder in structuring a “teshuva” program:
- Have I identified a set of priorities that I genuinely live by?
- How do I let my fears hold me back from pursuing my dreams?
- Who is my role model in life?
- Is there one question about life that I really want answered?
- Do I pay attention to my spiritual health as well as I do my physical health?
- Is there anyone who could help me achieve what I want in life? Why have I not approached that person?
- How could I spend one hour a week nourishing my soul?
- Have I ever betrayed the trust of a friend?
- Am I careful never to embarrass or insult others?
- How could I spend one hour each week giving selflessly to others?
Leshonah tovah tikoseiv v’seichoseim
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Dr Michael Mantell, based in San Diego, is a Senior Fitness Consultant for Behavioral Sciences, American Council on Exercise, best-selling author and international behavior science presenter and keynote speaker. This article is reprinted from the healthy living section of Huffington Post Mantell may be contacted via michael.mantell@sdjewishworld.com