Humoring the Headlines: October 21, 2014

By Laurie Baron

Laurie Baron
Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO─ President Obama chose Ron Klain as the country’s Ebola Czar.  Carried away with his new title, Klain plans to instigate a pogrom against the epidemic.

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Eric Duncan was the first patient to be diagnosed with Ebola in the United States and die from the disease.  Two more Americans subsequently have contracted Ebola and been quarantined in the last three weeks.  During the same period, 600 Americans were killed by guns.  Why isn’t Congress trying to protect Americans from guns as hard as it is trying to ban travelers from West Africa from entering the country?

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An Associated Press investigation revealed that a number of Nazi fugitives continued to receive Social Security payments even after being extradited from the United States back to the countries where they were wanted for war crimes.  One of the beneficiaries of the payments anonymously admitted that he thought SS stood for something else.

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A woman trying to break into a house in Ventura Country was arrested when she got stuck in the chimney.  Her lawyer is preparing an insanity defense: she believed she was Santa Claus.

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Pope Francis demoted Conservative American Cardinal Raymond Burke for making offensive homophobic remarks.  In response Burke’s supporters labeled Francis a “pinko.”

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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University.  He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.