Humoring the headlines: Chanukah

By Laurie Baron

Laurie Baron
Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO–Here are eight things I won’t do for Chanukah.

  1. I won’t ask the President of the United States to pardon two potatoes.
  1. I won’t expect to find a new Lexus wrapped in a red bow in my driveway.  If anyone wants to give me a Lexus, please wrap it in a blue and white bow.
  1. I won’t place a diorama of Judah Maccabee rededicating the Temple on my front lawn.
  1. I won’t get gifts dirty and smelly by wrapping them in socks.
  1. I won’t force an old and morbidly obese man who is way past retirement age to deliver presents in a flying vehicle that has not passed FAA inspection and whose reindeer were never checked by the TSA.  If he does decide to bring packages to people on my gift list anyway, I won’t ask him to perpetrate home invasions by climbing down their chimneys.
  1. I won’t light Chanukah candles near a cut tree which is drying out and highly flammable.
  1. I won’t disturb the peace in my neighborhood by traipsing around outside with a group of other Jews singing Chanukah songs.
  1. I won’t trample anyone while shopping for Chanukah gifts.

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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University.  He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com .  San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.

3 thoughts on “Humoring the headlines: Chanukah”

  1. This is one humor columns for the ages, loved it, Professor! Happy Chanukah, Hannukah, and every other spellcheck alternative!

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