By Natasha Josefowitz, Ph.D.
LA JOLLA, California –A friend gave me a booklet entitled, “Positive People Experiences: Eight Ingredients for Business Success,” by Drs. Carolyn Shadle and John L. Meyer. Although it is written as a communication tool for clients and customers, I was impressed with the advice and thought it could be helpful to anyone communicating whether with friends, family, or any group situation. I like their emphasis on non-verbal communication which is too often disregarded. I am using their words and paraphrasing where appropriate:
Communication takes many forms. It’s a familiar truism that “you cannot not communicate.” Communication happens even when you don’t intend to communicate. Nonverbal messages are sent through behavior and with body posture and tone of voice.
Use supportive motions. Lean forward to suggest an eagerness to talk. Focusing on the speaker and nodding to indicate you’re listening are supportive motions.
Pay attention to what you’re saying with your body. Ideally it is consistent with your words and your intended message. Look for the nonverbal message that accompanies the words of others.
Monitor your emotions by being aware of how you feel about a situation by thinking and planning what to say. You have choices about your response and your reaction and the best time and place for the conversation.
Assume that mutual understanding is possible. That means planning to continue talking until you feel that you understand each other, asking questions like, “Do you see what I mean?” or “Do you see any problems with where I’m coming from?”.
Watch for what you can learn. Being other-focused, listening, rephrasing, and checking your perception gives you more information about the other person’s viewpoints, intentions, and reasoning, as long as you’re ready to learn something new.
Be responsible for your position. Speaking for yourself and your feelings is best done by starting your sentence with “I.” “I feel [worried, sad, afraid, annoyed, embarrassed, etc.] when you….” Show your feelings. People are moved by emotions, including letting them know that you like them.
Understand your interlocutor’s needs, being sure you heard it right. Parroting or rewording what you heard lets you check for accuracy. “What I think you said you need is…. Did I get that right?”—followed with silence.
Listen for feelings, as well as content. The facial expression and tone of voice may tell you more than the words. Is the person relieved? Or confused? Or anxious? Show empathy by acknowledging what you think you’ve heard and checking the perception. “I sense you are feeling…. Am I right?”—followed with silence. Understand that showing empathy is the most difficult aspect of communication, and the most powerful. It lets people know you are aware of the feelings while hearing the words. It’s the beginning of building a trusting relationship.
Employ silence. An important use of silence is to give people a chance to talk. It is crucial to postpone what you have to say—your great advice or perhaps a tale about your own problem—until hearing what the person needs. Silence’s meaning may be clear when accompanied by appropriate nonverbal signals.
Be prepared for the other person’s response. Despite your kind and respectful “I” statement, the other person may be uncomfortable, upset, or angry. You need to shift gears and move to a listening mode where you will be other-focused.
Share your knowledge in brief “chunks…”. Less is definitely more. Educate and inform with measured information.
Understand how technology and the internet have changed the way people connect. Face-to-face interaction is less frequent. Many more transactions are occurring behind a computer screen with a few clicks.
Email when possible. Email reminders increase effectiveness by 17%. Postcards are ideal for people who prefer “snail mail.” Many now want text messages. Ask for their preferred communication method.
The mobile phone is a wonderful device for staying in touch. Some people check their mobile phones 100–250 times a day. Being on a smartphone means you can reach them when you’re on the go, connecting with them by text, email, or phone and with photos.
I see the above as a helpful tool for all interactions. Being aware of the unconscious messages we may be sending is an important component of effective communication. Carefully crafting conscious messages is the other essential ingredient.
If you’d like the booklet, visit www.icsinc.info or contact cshadle@mac.com.
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Josefowitz is an author and freelance writer. You may comment to natasha.josefowitz@sdjewishworld.com, or post your comment on this website, per the instructions below.
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