Humoring the headlines: April 9, 2015

By Laurie Baron

Laurie Baron
Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO─ Responding to a petition submitted to the “We the People” website, President Obama called for banning coercive conversion therapy for minors from the LGBT community.  Although GOP presidential hopeful (or some may say hopeless) Ben Carson asserted that the resort to conversion therapy should be a matter decided by a psychiatrist and patient.  Despite his staunch opposition to the Affordable Health Care Act, he stipulated that the cost of such treatment be reimbursed under Obamacare.

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Italian doctor Sergio Canaver announced that he plans to perform a head transplant on a Russian patient in dire need of one within two years.  Western leaders expressed hope that Vladimir Putin would consent to the operation.

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Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei demanded that all sanctions on Iran be lifted as soon as the agreement curbing Tehran’s nuclear program is concluded.  Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu threatened that Israeli bombers would attack Iran if the sanctions were lifted that quickly.  President Obama attempted to restrain both by postponing the signing of the accord until his last day in office.  Congress passed a resolution requiring its approval of the postponement.

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A Pew Research Institute study found that African American teenagers are more likely than their white or Latino peers to own smartphones.  Nevertheless, it discovered that they don’t use them for texting or posting on Facebook but rather to document instances of police brutality.

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Two auto companies announced that they expect to be manufacturing flying cars within two years.   In a related story the Los Angeles Police Department has placed a large order for flying traffic signs.

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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University.  He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com .  San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.