By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO─ Jeb Bush revealed that he is on the Paleolithic diet to lose weight. To one-up Bush, Ted Cruz disclosed that he is on the Neanderthal diet and only eats raw meat from animals he has shot himself while exercising his second amendment rights.
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Russian hackers not only broke into the White House computer system several months ago, but even obtained some of President Obama’s emails. To upgrade the White House cybersecurity system, the President has requisitioned the Clintons’ private server.
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The Koch Brothers have narrowed down their list of the Republican presidential candidates they will support to Scott Walker, Jeb Bush, Ted Cruz, Rand Paul and Marco Rubio. Dubbing this group the “fantastic five,” the brothers enumerated the superpower of each candidate: Scott Walker can break unions with a single law; Jeb Bush can change his DNA to eliminate the stupid gene he shares with his brother; Ted Cruz can shut governments down by filibustering; Rand Paul can camouflage his isolationist past; and Marco Rubio can reject immigration reform while garnering Latino votes.
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Freddie Gray died of a severed spinal after being apprehended and transported to jail by the Baltimore Police Department. On the other hand, doctors who examined the arresting officers discovered that that they had no spines.
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Meteorologists have noted that volcanic ash from eruptions like the recent one in Chile can lower the earth’s temperature by as much as one degree. Oil and natural gas companies have proposed research into how to trigger volcanic eruptions as a solution to global warming. As Oklahoma has learned, those companies already have the expertise to cause earthquakes.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com . San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.