By Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D.
SAN DIEGO — Someone once said, “Character is what we do when no one else is looking.” Of course, we believe there really never is such a time, with G-d in Heaven. Yet, there are those who still believe, “The measure of a man’s real character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out.” Of course, we know there is a reckoning and there will come a time when we will all be “found out.”
Our early sages urged our ancestors to constantly assess and weigh their character traits. They taught to “aim for the happy medium, in order to become a perfect human being.” In fact in the year 1180, Maimonides, also known as the Rambam, finished writing his famous “Mishneh Torah” which is a compilation of all of the laws of the entire Talmud. In this monumental fourteen volume work, he teaches, “Neither of two character traits are proper. One should never follow [the extremes] or teach them to himself. If one has an inborn leaning toward an extreme, or his nature is prone to acquire extremes, or he acquired a radical trait and became used to it, he should revise his way of life, following the good and correct path.”
What is the “correct path?” He teaches the “The correct path is the middle road that lies exactly between the two extremes, neither getting closer to one end or another.”
Sound difficult to achieve? Of course it is. That means these are ideals, not often or easily accomplished. In fact, I suspect you and I know no one who has actually achieved life on this lofty, elevated plane. Yet, we must keep trying.
Maimonides taught us that there are eleven commandments (mitzvot), including five positive and six negative ones that very specifically relate to ethical and moral behavior and character development:
- To emulate the ways of G-d
- To cling to those who know Him
- To love friends
- To love converts
- Not to hate our brethren
- To rebuke when appropriate
- Not to cause one embarrassment
- Not to oppress the downtrodden
- Not to be a gossip
- Not to take revenge
- Not to bear a grudge
In the 1800’s another psychological sage and rabbinic leader, Rabbi Yisroel Salanter, known as the “father of the Mussar (ethics) movement” in Judaism, identified thirteen basic traits, which characterize a spiritual person in general, and a master of “self-perfection” in particular.
Rabbi Salanter sensitively, delicately, and caringly taught us that no mitzvah is complete unless one is meticulous in all the laws of how to behave towards people. In fact, he taught that the good that could come from a mitzvah is cancelled if doing it harms another person. He emphasized that spirituality is not, “You did a sin, you did the mitzvah incorrectly or you read the Hebrew wrong.” Instead, spirituality is, “Do you have what you need? Can I do anything for you? What can I give you?”
There are many stories about this wonderful psychologist/rabbi that illustrate his compassion, kindness consideration of others. One such story tells of the rabbi hurrying to write a letter of recommendation for a poor young boy immediately following the meal right before Yom Kippur, when everyone is ordinarily rushing off to synagogue. When asked why he wrote the letter in the precious moments before the Holy Day, he said that the boy asked him for the letter two days earlier. If he had delayed the letter any longer, the boy would have spent Yom Kippur concerned and worried.
The thirteen character traits of Rabbi Salanter follow:
- Truth – never let anything out of your mouth that your heart cannot testify to as being true.
- Zeal – never waste a moment. Don’t let time go by without purpose. Actively do what you seek to accomplish.
- Diligence – do what you decide to do with industriousness and enthusiasm.
- Honor – be cautious in the honoring of every person, even those whose thinking you consider to be imperfect.
- Peace of mind – have a spirit that is at rest, without hastiness, so that you can do everything calmly.
- Gentleness – the words of the wise are heard only with gentleness, so always strive to speak gently.
- Cleanliness – keep your body and clothes clean and pure.
- Patience – bear every happening and every event in life with calm.
- Order – do all of you deeds and all of your undertakings in an organized and disciplined manner.
- Humility – recognize your shortcomings and pay no attention to those of others.
- Righteousness – do whatever the Torah says is right, in its letter and spirit, and give in on what is rightfully yours.
- Thrift – do not spend a penny that is not for a necessary purpose.
- Silence – consider the result of your words before you speak.
Thirteen traits that lead to self-perfection. Accomplish even one of them and you have achieved a rarity. If you prefer to do something easier, memorize an encyclopedia. Yet, we must keep trying.
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Dr Michael Mantell, based in San Diego, provides coaching to business leaders, athletes, individuals and families to reach breakthrough levels of success and significance in their professional and personal lives. Mantell may be contacted via michael.mantell@sdjewishworld.com