Humoring the headlines: August 26, 2015

By Laurie Baron

Laurie Baron
Laurie Baron

MARGATE CITY, New Jersey–Donald Trump ejected Univision anchor Jorge Ramos from a campaign rally for asking a question about Trump’s plan to deport 11,000,000 undocumented aliens.  Although Trump allowed Ramos to return, the Donald was overheard saying, “Only 10,999,999 left!”

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A Colorado judge sentenced James Eagan Holmes to 12 life terms for each person he murdered and 3,318 years for the people he wounded during his shooting spree in an Aurora movie theatre.  If he lives the average life expectancy for an American male, he will be 4,227 years old when he is released.

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ISIS razed the 2000 year old Baalshamin Temple in Palmyra, Syria.  To supplement its oil revenues, the group is considering opening a demolition company for cities needing urban renewal.

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Vladimir Putin is confiscating and destroying food imported from the European Union and the United States.  While it is an exaggeration to compare him to Stalin, he already has attempted to subvert Ukrainian independence and deprive Russians of their sustenance.

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President Obama is drawing criticism from Fox News for referring to Congressional opponents of his policies as “crazies.”  In a related story MSNBC has accused the President of understatement.

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Baron, professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University, is serving as a visiting scholar at Stockton University in New Jersey.  He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com .  San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.

 

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