Some tips for couples who don’t want to quarrel

Stop The Fight: An Illustrated Guide for Couples by Michelle Brody, PhD; © 2015; The Experiment, LLC;  ISBN 978-1-61519-280-9;  295 pages plus index and notes; $15.95

By Donald H. Harrison

Donald H. Harrison
Donald H. Harrison

stop the fightSAN DIEGO—Psychologist Michelle Brody offers a dozen scenarios illustrating typical fights between married couples, along with suggestions for how the couples might understand what those fights really are about and how to peacefully resolve them.

She labels the fights: Partner Improvement; Proving Your Point; Nagging/ Tuning Out; Escalating; Household Responsibilities; Birthday; Bad Reputation; “You Don’t Care About Me;” Parenting Differences; Money; Sex; and Difficult Relatives.

While the particulars of these domestic arguments differ, Brody, who is a member of the Jewish community, finds some important underlying similarities, which she not only discusses but illustrates with cartoons.

Brody suggests that people manifest two personalities: their inner core and their outer, defensive shell.  When couples court, they fall in love with each other’s inner cores.  Courtships are when people let down their defenses, share their vulnerabilities, and build intimacy.  However, in marriage, the reverse process can occur: The couples put their defenses back up, disguise their vulnerabilities, and increasingly their marriages erode.

What starts with bickering escalates into arguing, with each partner attacking the other in an effort to prove their points. Developing fixed and often mistaken views of what the controversy is about, each partner hardens his or her defenses, so that eventually they hear only each other’s criticisms and become oblivious to each other’s needs.

Clearly it would be beneficial if couples could lower their walls and allow what Brody describes as core-to-core communication.  In the 12-chapter book, the author recites some typical scenarios of domestic discord and then provides some tools for bringing down those defensive walls.

*
Harrison is editor of San Diego Jewish World.  He may be contacted via donald.harrison@sdjewishworld.com.  Comments intended for publication in the space below must be accompanied by the letter writer’s first and last name and by his/ her city and state of residence (city and country for those outside the U.S.)