Humoring the headlines: May 26, 2016

By Laurie Baron

Laurie Baron
Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO─ Now that Donald Trump has enough delegates to win the Republican nomination for president, I have translated some of his statements so voters clearly understand him.

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“Hillary Clinton wants to take your guns away and she wants to abolish the Second Amendment.”  Real Meaning: Hillary Clinton wants to close gun registration loopholes, ban semi-automatic weapons, and institute universal background checks.  79 % of gun owners favor these measures, but Trump speaks for the minority who doesn’t and for the NRA which has endorsed him because the Second Amendment protects loose cannons.

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“Hillary Clinton does not have the stamina … does not have the strength to be president”   Real Meaning: Hillary Clinton does not a penis, testicles, and testosterone.  Viagra would only enable her to be president for four hours at a time.

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“The safest place to be, anytime in our country, is at a Trump rally.  It is a Love Fest. Is it fun to be at a Trump rally? Is this the greatest?”  Real Meaning: It is fun to be at a Trump rally if you’re not a journalist, a Black Lives Matter protester, Latino, or anyone who isn’t supporting Trump.

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“The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics!  Real Meaning: The only things Mexicans are good for is what they already do for the businesses I own like cleaning rooms, cooking fast food, landscaping, and making cheap Trump signature clothing.  They’re not very adept at climbing 40 foot tall walls topped with barbed wire.

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“Nobody reads the Bible more than me.” Real Meaning: I have placed a Bible in every hotel room I own.  I skim through it when I’m staying there to locate quotations I can cite to show how much I read the Bible.

 

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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University.  He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com   San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.