Editor’s Note: Following is a new humor column by Joel H. Cohen. Nothing herein should be taken seriously.
Could Donald Trump Be Jewish
By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — Declaring “I get along great with the Jews,” Donald Trump said he might be Jewish himself. The presumptive candidate for the Republican nomination for President said, “my people are looking into whether I could be one of those people.”
A mutual relative had said that a European rabbi named Trumpelstein might have been an ancestor. “He was a great rabbi,” Trump said, “with a big orange beard…a man who let you know the truth and never resorted to being politically correct.”
The rabbi had a brother, Trump added, “who was some sort of a singer in the same synagogue. Frankly, he was always sick and very poor. A nice man, but a loser.”
Whether or not staffers learn that Trump has Jewish roots, he emphasized, “I love the Jews, and they love me. They’re very smart – almost as smart as I am, and not stupid like those who run our government. They make great deals — not as great as my deals. And they are very rich – though not as rich as I am.
“The Jewish women are even smarter than the men, but, especially the Orthodox women; they still know their place and never rock the boat.”
“I’ve got to be honest with you,” Trump continued. “I never liked the Jews who talk with their hands and use Yiddish words that are vulgar. They’re the ones I’ll keep out of the country.”
But otherwise, he commented, “I’ve got a daughter who’s Jewish and hundreds of Jewish friends, many hundreds, even the man who imports my red ties – Yussie Something.”
The possibility of having Jewish roots has encouraged Trump to look into Jewish history, and he has found some heroes
“Take King Solomon, for example. He had a lot of wives, which great men do. He was a great leader, probably with very, very high poll numbers, and was a great builder, though not as great as I am. He built that nice temple, but if I had been around at that time, I would have built a greater one – Trump Temple – and it would still be attracting tourists today.”
He said he can’t believe how ancient Jews in Persia failed to stand up to Haman – “too p.c. to arm themselves.” But eventually “they hung the so-and-so, and went out and did what they had to.”
“And those other patriots in that holiday with the candle miracle, showed what they were made of. They took no prisoners. And they never depended on Muslims for their oil.
“We can learn from them.”
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Cohen is a freelance writer and humorist. San Diego Jewish World reminds its readers that this column is satire, or as Joel puts it: “Just Kidding!”