Editor’s Note: Following is a new humor column by Joel H. Cohen. Nothing herein should be taken seriously.
Such a theme park!
By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — A theme park devoted to Jewish customs, rituals, cooking, heroes and heroines is due to open in Boca Raton, Florida this fall, Disney and Universal, its co-creators, announced today.
The park, tentatively named Jewniversal Studio, will feature a ride through Jewish history (including the flood and crossing of the Red Sea); two saltwater mikvehs, and an elaborate old-style steam bath (Ritz shvitz)
A shadchan will match visitors, including strangers, and matched couples headed for marriage can use a ballroom complete with rabbi, chuppah and choice of glass items to break.
A weekly highlight will be the Miss Old Testament Pageant, in which women dressed as Biblical heroines compete for the coveted title. The competition will include a most-attractive-in-a-toga category, and answering a question with a question.
In a recording studio, visitors will be encouraged to make CD’s in which they can describe their aches, pains and illnesses, and detail their complaints about their daughters-in-law and other relatives.
There will be rooms devoted to mah jongg, pinochle and pisha-peysha, in which visitors play against machines for prizes. Other interactive features include lifting and tying a simulated Torah, and carrying two commandment tablets.
Cooking classes, heavy on chicken fat, salt and red meat, will present such subjects as how to make cholent, and 10 different ways to prepare brisket.
The park’s gift shop will sell a variety of products, from items reflecting myths about Jews, such as plastic horns and sheets with a hole in them, to important documents such as ketubahs, gets, bris certificates, s’micha (ordination) diplomas and Kohen documentation (signed by Aaron).
“It’s the total Jewish experience,” a spokesman said. “A fargenigen.”
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Cohen is a freelance writer and humorist. San Diego Jewish World reminds its readers that this column is satire, or as Joel puts it: “Just Kidding!” Comments intended for publication in the space below MUST be accompanied by the letter writer’s first and last name and by his/ her city and state of residence (city and country for those outside the United States.)