Humoring the Headlines: July 21, 2016

GOP Convention Update

By Laurie Baron

Laurie Baron
Laurie Baron

The Republican Convention is turning out to be a succession of summer reruns and spinoffs:

The GOP Lacks Talent: Where else could you see the dwarf star talent and mind of Scott Baio on display.  Remember Scott?  His last television show was the Nickelodeon series Sam and Cat in 2014.  He last appeared in a feature film playing himself in the aptly named horror movie Cursed in 2005?  Or Antonio Sabato Jr., the former Calvin Klein underwear model who had a part in the soap opera The Bold and the Beautiful from 2005 until 2006 and came in 8th place on Dancing with the Stars in 2014. Finally, there was Willie Robertson from Duck Dynasty, a fowl hunter adept at setting up partisan decoys.

The Biggest Losers: The convention has been a cavalcade of candidates who lost to Trump in the primaries.  Walker, Rubio, Carson, and Chris Christie have all spoken to illustrate why their campaigns failed.  Then there are the no-show big sore losers, Bush leaguers like Jeb and John Kasich.  But the sorest loser of them was vying Ted Cruz who refused to endorse Trump.  He implored the delegates to vote their Pontius, oh I meant conscience.  As he walked off the stage to a chorus of boos, Paul Manafort was overheard muttering, “I knew we should have invited Clint Eastwood and his chair.”

All in the Family.  When did incest get put into the party platform?  The Trump kids provided intimate insights into Donald Trump as a father, and, Melania allowed herself to be embarrassed on the biggest night of her life by her husband who was either too busy, cheap, or disorganized to hire a real speech writer.  When I applied for jobs, I didn’t ask my relatives to write my letters of recommendation.

The People’s Court: Forget about the principle that people are presumed innocent or that juries must deliberate in private weighing evidence presented by both the prosecution and defense.  In Chris Christie’s court, there’s only a prosecutor, no witness testimony, and no deliberations, just accusations and convictions and sentencing by delegates who didn’t know they would be serving their jury duty this week.

Mad Men:  It’s all about advertising, getting voters to buy someone who is bombastic, narcissistic, and racist.  Instead, conclude the first three nights of rabidity with a soft-sell by a quiet and reasonably sounding white-haired guy who looks like Rodger Sterling.  The image and tone will make everyone ignore the regressive policies he articulates.  America is just grateful that he’s not Chris Christie or Newt Gingrich.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com   San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.