Humoring the Headlines: July 29, 2016

Democratic National Convention, Day 4

By Laurie Baron

Laurie Baron
Laurie Baron

Former Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm mocked Donald Trump’s narcissism by quoting a line from Carly Simon’s You’re So Vain.  With the help of AP (Asinine Press), I have obtained the first stanzas of her parody:

You glided into the party
Seeking the presidential slot.
Your wife strategically posed on descending stairs.  
Your hair, it was apricot.

You spewed slander for illegals                                                                                                                                        Like a demagogue hot shot.   
And you thought that you alone could fix it.  
You alone could fix it. 

You’re so vain
You probably think you’re on the Apprentice.                                                                                                                                           You’re so vain,
You probably think God chose you to send us.                                                                                                                                    Don’t you?
Don’t you?

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The father of a highly decorated Muslim American soldier who died protecting his platoon in Iraq condemned Donald Trump for impugning the patriotism of Muslim Americans. Donald Trump tweeted: “Isn’t patriotic Muslim a contradiction in terms?  What’s the word for that: Ohiamamoron.”

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Reverend William Barber delivered an impassioned sermon on the need of the United States to to restore compassion and justice to the center of its politics: “Jesus, a brown-skin Palestinian Jew, called us to preach good news to the poor, the broken and the bruised and all those who are made to feel unaccepted.”  Trump tweeted, “Don’t let this Jesus enter the country.   Wrong skin color! Jewish! Coming from a place compromised by terrorism.”

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Morgan Freeman narrated a video about the life of Hillary.  Who knew that before moving to Park Ridge, Illinois, her parents were penguins who had migrated from the South Pole?  Bernie Sanders interjected that his ancestors were also Polish.

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Hillary Clinton eloquently accepted the Democratic nomination as the first woman candidate from a major party, a seasoned diplomat, and a compassionate agent of change.  Like the end of a Jewish wedding, the ceremony concluded with the shattering of glass.  Then the balloons dropped.  Her balloons were bigger than Donald’s.  I wonder if her hands are too.

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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com   San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.