Eulogy by Rabbi Leonard Rosenthal
Delivered July 22, 2016 at San Diego, CA
SAN DIEGO — The fact that all mortals eventually die has always served as a lesson to the living. We cannot long evade the consciousness of our own mortality, and fail to draw therefrom some fundamental lessons on how to live our lives. As we become conscious of this fact, we cannot help repeat the prayer of the psalmist: Limnot yameinu kain hoda v’navi I’vav hokhmnh “So teach us to number our days that we may get us a heart of wisdom.” (P 90:12)
It takes great wisdom to use the days that God has granted to us wisely and well. For once we have let time pass, we can never reclaim it. On the other hand, all that has happened within that time is never lost. Passing time is not only a thief, it is also a trustee. And whether we regard time as a thief or as a trustee, determines how we will live our lives. We can live our lives in fear and sadness, like a man who daily tears a sheet from his calendar and thinks only that the calendar grows thinner with each passing day. Or we can live our days with joy and hope, and a sense of achievement, like a man who keeps a calendar diary and each day records his daily accomplishments, filing away each annual volume with its predecessors. The family of such a man can, at an hour such as this, reflect with pride and joy on all the richness that has been set down in these notes. They can look back upon a life that has been lived to the fullest. And they can rest assured that not only the reality of work done, but of love loved, and of suffering suffered – that all that is good and beautiful in that life- will be safely preserved and treasured in the hearts and memory of those whose lives have touched and been touched by such a man.
Dmitry Gelfer, who died on Tuesday, July 20, at the age of 85, was a faithful trustee of the days and years granted to him. He experienced much hardship and persecution in life, yet he never let the roadblocks and challenges he faced to dull his love of life.
In Mogilev, Belarus, Dmitry had a tough and difficult childhood. He was 10 years old when World War II started, and he lost his father in war soon after that. He became a surrogate father for his siblings and was very protective of his mother. Today his brothers Vladimir and Aleck and sister Mania mourn him. Vladimir told me for him he feels like he is losing a father, as well as a brother.
After Hitler’s army crossed into the Soviet Union, Dmitry’s mother fled from Mogilev with her young family. She traveled and endured hardships over nearly 400 Kilometers, ended up outside Margilant, near Tashkent, Uzbekistan. Everyone suffered there from malnutrition. Food was so scarce that he and his family ate the bark of a tree in those tough times. Yet through it all his mother encouraged him to study and learn and acquire a good education so he could advance.
Dmitry graduated from the equivalent of our high school at the very top of his class. His gold medal opened educational doors. With his academic record, he didn’t even need to take entrance exams.
Wanting to become a doctor, he went first to the Naval Academy to apply for their medical school program. He showed his papers and the admissions officer did him a favor. He told Dmitry that because he was Jewish, he never would be admitted but probably would be forced into military service. He would be better off if he took his papers elsewhere.
Accordingly, Dmitry went to Minsk (Belarus), where he studied and became a civil engineer. He started with a construction company and rose quickly. He was very skilled, but he was also the“Token Jew,” whom the company paraded out to prove it harbored no anti-Semitism.
At one time Dimitry wanted to take time off because he wanted to get a Ph.D. His company wouldn’t let him. There was a project that was failing and he was needed to get them going and save them, same as he had saved other failing projects.
So successful and indispensable at work was Dmitry that he even had own car and driver to transport him. He literally built cities, including hospitals, hotels, sports arenas, and factories. You name it he built it.
When finally he came to the US, his son-in-law Gary Shekhter showed him the company he had built. Dmitry wasn’t so impressed. “I built cities,” he told him.
But hard work alone didn’t define Dmitry. Love and care of his family was first and foremost in his life.
He and Laura, his beloved wife and partner of 59 years, met one night by chance. Each was in a group of young people walking along the boulevard in the summer, and the groups ran into each other. When I asked Laura if it was love at first sight she said, no. She didn’t pay him any attention that night.
But the next day was a holiday; the same groups had a picnic and this time Laura noticed him. Dmitry loved people and he also loved attention. He was a bit of a show off that afternoon. But he was funny and he was personable, outgoing, friendly and kind. The two of them left the picnic together, started spending time with each other, fell in love, and were married.
Like all couples that had their ups and downs. They didn’t always agree, their daughters told me, but even when they disagreed theirs was absolute devotion, commitment and love. They were the kind of couple that was always holding hands. When I asked Laura the secret of their long 59 years together she told me that the secret is laughter.
Dmitry and Laura were blessed with two daughters. Jeanne married to Gary, and Alla married Boris Kagan. They were also blessed with three grandchildren, Boris, married to Morgan, Sara, and Alex, and one beautiful great-grandson, Simon.
Jeanne and Alla told me that Dmitry was a great father, who adored children. He sacrificed for them. He did everything for kids; there was nothing he wouldn’t do for them. He even braided Jeanne’s hair. Despite working so hard, he always had time to help them –as long as they got up early in the morning because Dmitry was the consummate early riser. He would help with all school subjects, no matter what, from math to algebra to poetry.
One of greatest sacrifices he made was when Jeanne married Gary and they decided to leave what was at that time still the Soviet Union. Dmitry had to sign a certificate so Jeanne could leave. He knew he was signing his own “death certificate” but he was willing to do so his kids could thrive.
I was horrified to learn what happened to Dmitry after his daughter decided to leave. Those of us who were born and grew up in US have no idea what it is like to live in a country where anti-Semitism was so rampant. Dmitry was persecuted after Jeanne left. Communist party and government officials called Dmitry a traitor and a Zionist. Despite his successes, and accomplishments and dedication, they told him he could no longer run the company because he didn’t raise Jeanne as a proper Communist.
Purged from his company, his efforts to find another job were frustrated because the KGB made sure he was not hired. He went to Moscow to the Communist party to appeal the decision. “My father fought in WWII” one of the officials told him. Dmitry replied “My father’s bones were buried during WWII.”
A friend gave him a job in Siberia, where he built oil refineries and kept his family going, but he also suffered a heart attack there, There was no proper medical treatment; the damage done to his heart then eventually led to his death Tuesday.
When Jeanne left for the US she thought that she would never see her parents or sister again. But when Mikhail Gorbachev came to power she learned that it might be possible to bring the rest of her family to the US.
Laura was eager to leave but Dmitry was reticent. When they came to the U.S. in 1988, he was 57 years old, worried about the transition and above all he didn’t want to be burden. Eventually he was convinced and he, Laura, and Alla and her family made their way to a transit station in Vienna, Austria. When Jeanne spoke with him he told her: “They lost my suitcase and I am sitting here in your mother’s underwear.”
Ultimately, he was happy to be in the US. Gary put him through language school, he got his first job, and then began working at Gary’s company, Helix Electric. He had lots of energy and lots of friends, and was very popular at work. Everyone knew him at the office, where he had a great reputation for hard, detailed, and talented work, as well as for his good humor and kindness. He always was first at work, before the office opened.
He worked until age 82 and even then wasn’t so happy to retire. One day when he was in the hospital Alla told him that she was sorry to leave, but she had to go to work. Dmitry said he wished he could go to work.
After he retired he expanded and developed hobbies. He played Bridge, for 10 cents a game, and liked to come home and brag that he had made over $1.00. He also liked gardening. He was proud of his lemon tree and two orange trees and always tried to supervise the gardeners. When Alla and Boris bought their first home, he went into the back yard and started making up a landscaping design.
Dmitry also took up fresh water fishing. He even took Alex with him when Alex was willing to get up early enough. But Dmitry had always spent a lot of time with his grandchildren. He helped raised Alex when both parents were working. Boris told me that he felt he inherited his sense of dedication and work ethic from him, as well as his love of people. Sarah told me that any good traits his grandchildren have come from him.
Throughout his entire life Dmitry maintained his health and sense of style. He was a member of the LA Fitness gymnasium and could often be seen there swimming and socializing, though his family confided in me that he probably did more socializing than exercising.
Everyone who ever met Dmitry admired and loved him. He loved people and loved to be around them. He had natural charisma as well as a great sense of humor. He was well known for his practical jokes. And he was a problem solver. He liked nothing better than to learn about something that you needed to accomplish and to give you advice, whether you wanted it or not.
Dmitry’s family not only loved him, they admired him and they learned many life lessons from this brave, courageous, and accomplished man. They learned to be brave, to be positive, to make a success of yourself; that you don’t have to be the brightest to succeed, but you have to be the hardest worker. Don’t agonize while anticipating big issues, he told them, rather solve one problem at a time. They also learned from him the power of love. They learned how to love their own families as Dmitry loved them. He loved people and people loved him.
While we are saddened by his passing we feel blessed to have had him in our lives for so many years.
May the name and memory of Dimitry Gelfer always be a blessing to all who knew and loved him.
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Rabbi Rosenthal is spiritual leader of Tifereth Israel Synagogue in San Diego. You may add your tributes to Dmitry Gelfer in the space below. San Diego Jewish World’s eulogy series is sponsored by Marc and Margaret Cohen in memory of Molly Cohen, and by Inland Industries Group LP in memory of long-time San Diego Jewish community leader Marie (Mrs. Gabriel) Berg.