Humoring the headlines: February 18, 2017

Reading Trump’s Mind

By Laurie Baron

Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO−Although many in the “dishonest” media have been appalled by recent remarks made by President Trump, he actually has been trying to restrain himself.  Fortunately, a transcript of his mind was leaked to me by an intelligence agency which has a device that can penetrate the densest of materials.  Here’s what it revealed:

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After advising Benjamin Netanyahu to “hold off on settlements a bit,” Trump added he was “looking at two-state and one-state solutions.”  He was thinking, “Annex the damn territories already so it’s a moot point.  Jared will mollify the Palestinians by financing casinos there.”

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Trump denied that any members of his campaign staff had contacts with the Russians before the election.  He was thinking, “At least when I asked them, all of them replied “nyet” before offering me a snack of beluga caviar.”

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When a Hasidic reporter asked Trump what he would do about the uptick in anti-Semitic incidents in the United States, Trump assured him that he was “the least anti-Semitic person that you’ve seen in your entire life” and felt insulted by the question.  He was thinking, “Sit down beanie boy!  If you don’t shut up, I have friends in the alt-right who will silence you.”

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Trump insisted that his administration is running like a “fine-tuned machine.”  He was thinking, “I wonder if these fabricators of fake news have ever seen a Rube Goldberg machine.”

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Trump pledged to treat the DACA dreamers with heart.  He was thinking, “Dreamers rhymes with schemers.  I’ll educate them by forcing them to read my playbook The ICE Man Cometh.”

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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com   San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.