By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — A secret report of an Israeli archeological team, just uncovered by our investigative reporters, reveals that Haman wore an oval-shaped hat, not a three-cornered one.
Consequently, hamantashen, the three-cornered pastry named for the tyrant and enjoyed for centuries by Jews and non-Jews alike, can no longer be considered authentic Purim fare.
As expected, the leaked report has sent shock waves through the baking industry. Bakers across international borders have united in a campaign to discredit the researchers and challenge their findings.
“What are we going to do with dozens and dozens of uneaten hamantashen?” one asked. “Are we now supposed to start baking oval-shaped oval-latkes or oval-teens? They just don’t have the cachet of hamantashen.” “And if people stop buying our Purim pastries altogether,” asked another rhetorically, “what will we do with the unused dough or with the mun (poppyseed), prunes, apples and other fillings?”
“It’s the latest Shushan shanda,” a third baker complained. “We don’t accept the report.”
The crack archeological team based its startling findings on tracings, DNA and ancient scrolls containing writings of the royal haberdasher in ancient Shushan.
“Better to know the historical facts than to go on living and eating a geometric lie,” the Jewish leader of the three-year expedition said. “We also learned that Haman had a troubled childhood, but we weren’t brave or foolish enough to include that in our report.”
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For those unfamiliar with the “Just Kidding’ column, it is satire and not a word of it should be taken seriously. Cohen is a freelance writer based in New York City.
For those unfamiliar with the “Just Kidding’ column, it is satire and not a word of it should be taken seriously. Cohen is a freelance writer based in New York City.