What Trump Really Thinks about his Budget Blueprint
By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO−Mick Mulvaney, who plays Mr. Burns on The Simpsons, unveiled President Trump’s budget blueprint shortly before St. Patrick’s Day so that most Americans would be drunk when they read it the first time. Since Obama bequeathed his successor a desk that secretly functions as a fax machine and implanted his golf balls with tiny microphones, I have been able to surveil Trump’s thoughts about the budget.
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State Department: 28 % reduction in funding. I never got anything by being diplomatic. I refused to shake Merkel’s hand because I’m both Germanophobic and germaphobic. No more wars now that Putie and I are buddies and North Korea is afraid of me.
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Cybersecurity: Big increase in funding. We can save a lot of money if we outsource hacking to the Russians.
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Cyborg Security: No funding. The terminator has been terminated. Bad ratings! Hasta la vista, Arnold!
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The Wall: Billions to build the wall. Despite high cost estimates, I can erect this cheaply by hiring the Mexicans who hang out at Home Depot. It will be such an amazing wall that Israel will tear down its wall and replace with an import from the United States. Jobs!
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Department of Energy: Put those miners back to work. I’ll be hailed as New King Coal. Nuclear huge too, but not enough uranium located in states that voted for me. Forget oil exploration. Do oil expropriation after we kick ISIS ass in Iraq.
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Public Education: 13 % reduction. The poorly educated supported me. Let’s increase their numbers. I never attended a public school, and I’m really smart.
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EPA down by 31 %. This is my kind of alternative fracks. I’m in like Flint. Let everyone drink Trump Natural Spring Water. Impose tariffs on Evian, Fiji, Perrier, and San Pellegrino. There is no such thing as the environment; only real estate opportunities.
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Defense: Up 10 %. How to compensate for small hands? Big bombs, big guns, big missiles, big planes ships! Dominate abroad and insure domestic tranquility at home.
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NPR and PBS: Abolish. Make Big Bird an extinct species. Donald Trump Jr. will bag and stuff that avian agent of the dishonest media. Oscar and Kermit, do you have green cards?
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Huge cuts in foreign aid. Why worry about 20,000,000 Africans who are starving? According to Ben Carson, we already accepted millions of Africans as immigrants earlier in our history. America first; the rest of the world is cursed.
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Meals on Wheels: I’ll show those old fogeys there is no such thing as a free lunch. Take your wheel chairs out for a spin and eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich while you’re rolling around. Now that’s meals on wheels!
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Presidential Travel Budget: Lots of trips. Include greens fees. Only stay at Trump properties. There will be discounts available for journalists if they work for Fox and for Secret Service agents.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.