The Trump Family Seder
By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO–Before the Seder begins, Donald Trump demands that he get to play Pharaoh based on his record of building large structures and dominating his subordinates. Ivanka and Jared advise him to be Moses so he can lead the forgotten people out of bondage, but Trump refuses and orders an FBI investigation of Moses as the ringleader of the Jewish Lives Matter movement. The candles resting in a gilded pair of candlesticks purchased from Ivanka’s line of Judaica are kindled. The blessing over the first glass of Trump wine is poured into silver chalices that have been recycled from the silver spoons the Trump children had in their mouths when they were born. Tiffany is given the honor of reciting the four questions because she has recently learned to read. Hearing “why is this night different from all others,” Donald blurts out “because we’re celebrating in the White House and this Seder is being funded by the government.” When he hears the question about why Jews are commanded to eat unleavened bread on this night, Donald wonders if Taco bowls count as unleavened bread. Mention of the bitter herbs prompts Donald to answer “to remember the defeat of my health care bill and the judicial rulings against my travel bans.” Why do we dip twice? Donald retorts, “Because every illegal alien voted twice for Hillary.” Finally, he likes the question about reclining because he always has expected the women he dated to recline with him after meals.
Then the Trump family goes around the table reading the story of the Jewish sojourn in Egypt and their liberation by Moses. Donald is enthralled by the story of Joseph interpreting Pharaoh’s dreams of seven years of feast and seven years of famine and interprets it as meaning he should hire a Jewish financial advisor from Goldman Sachs to oversee his portfolio, but he resents the idea that there could ever be a famine during his administration. He is puzzled over Moses behavior. Why would he relinquish his position as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter and lead slaves to a worthless piece of real estate? He wonders why Pharaoh didn’t build a wall across the Red Sea instead of a pyramid to prevent the Jews from escaping.
The family sings “Dayenu.” Trump objects because it will never be enough. At the end of the Seder, Donald asks why they are waiting for Elijah when he is already president. He alters the words of the final song: “The American Embassy will be moved next year to Jerusalem.”
*
Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.