By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — President Trump has just named his “top ten” heroes of Hebrew ancient history in an exclusive interview with Sedra Inquirer Magazine’s religion reporter.
He was prepped for the session by his daughter Ivanka and son-in-law Jared, who read him Bible stories and accounts of other notable figures from ancient Hebrew texts.
(The couple confided to intimates that their readings were also intended to get the president sleepy enough to avoid sending controversial tweets early in the morning).
Here are his selections and comments:
ABRAHAM – “As an incredible closer myself, I liked the way he kept dealing until he closed the negotiations —50 righteous to save Sodom…bargained down to 10. He fathered a child at 100. And he welcomed travelers, much like the Trump hotels do. Quite a guy.”
JACOB –“A phenomenal deal-maker, as when he got his famished twin brother to give up the first-born birthright in return for some food.”
The interviewer asked, “How do you respond to critics who claim that it was cruel of Jacob to insist on payment before he helped his twin?”
Trump replied: “When you’re dealing and you hold all the cards, you can do whatever you want to. Winning is what it’s all about, [as when he tricked his elderly near-blind father into a blessing].”
LABAN – “Another pretty sharp operator. You have to admire him. He got Jacob to work for him for seven years in order to marry Laban’ daughter, Rachel. But Laban — really looking out for his family’s welfare — pulled a fast one, and secretly substituted his older daughter, Leah, at the wedding instead. Then he got Jacob to work for him another seven years for Rachel. Better than hiring undocumented immigrants and stiffing them on wages.”
SOLOMON – “I can tell you, sometimes he was a little weird, for instance when he suggested having a baby cut in half, and the halves be given to two feuding women. But overall, believe me, I’ve got to admire him.”
Asked for examples, Trump said: “He was very rich, which doesn’t happen by accident. He was almost as smart as I am. He had a lot of wives (I always believed in variety). And even though it’s not his wall that’s standing to this day, hundreds of years later, he was a great builder, so much like myself.
AHASHVERUS – “(Not a Hebrew, but he sure was important to Jewish history.) A great king. When his wife Vashti didn’t obey his simple request, he didn’t resort to political correctness, but instantly told her, “You’re fired.” That was it. No mamby-pamby questions asked. No compromising.
“Can you imagine Obama or Hillary being that decisive?”
JOSEPH – “A dreamer, but his father’s favorite. A sharp dresser. A complete outsider who became the most powerful man in the kingdom. A man after my own heart.”
SAUL– “Good-looking guy who could have done it all. But when it came down to action, including destroying everything of the Amalakites (the ISIS of their day), as ordered, he was weak, soft.”
“Ordinarily, I can tell you, the Israelites didn’t twiddle their thumbs or go to the UN while bad guys like terrorists or North Koreans got bolder and stronger. No siree, they immediately gave ‘em fire and fury.”
DAVID – “As a kid, he took on a scary, mighty giant, and finished him off with a slingshot. I like winners.
“Then, as a grown-up, he saw what he wanted and went after it. My kind of guy.”
JOSHUA – “A great general. Did whatever was needed to win. Even arranged for the sun and moon to stand still, while he wiped out the enemy. He didn’t blame what was happening in the sky on carbon emissions or human activity, like today’s tree-huggers do.”
SAMSON – “He realized his great strength came from his hair — which I can relate to — and he didn’t cut it until a woman did him in. Believe me, I understand.
“He was able to kill a thousand savage Philistines with the jawbone of an ass. When people read that, they immediately think of me.”
The Sedra publication invited Trump to be its “Man of the Year,” and he accepted, commenting that he had turned down a similar invitation from “failing, fake-news TIME (or, closer to the truth, TIME’S UP magazine, or NO TIME LEFT)”
Ironically, after the interview, Trump still had time left — to keep on tweeting… about his number-one hero.
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San Diego Jewish World assures readers who are new to freelance writer Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns that they are satirical and should not be taken seriously.