Categorized | Baron_Lawrence, Lighter Side

Humoring the headlines: December 21, 2017

By Laurie Baron

Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO−At Mar-a-Lago undocumented elves are decorating Trump Force One to look like a giant sleigh. It will be powered by coal.  Forget hitching up reindeers.  Their survival is sketchy now that drilling will begin in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

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The President doesn’t need much padding to resemble Santa Claus.  His pants and suit are stitched together from oversized red ties.  His beard consists of clippings from Mike Pence’s haircuts.  The President enters the cockpit and yells, “You’re fired up!”

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The first stop is Ivanka’s and Jared’s home.  In an envelope he leaves each a check for the 22 million dollars exempted from the estate tax.  At Don Jr.’s, a check for the same amount is dropped which can only be cashed if he stops testifying to congressional intelligence committees and Robert Mueller’s investigation.  Eric and Tiffany are given lumps of coal.

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The sleigh rushes on to Wall Street where the CEO’s of Fortune Five Hundred corporations hear Santa Trump yell, “Low, low. Low!  Merry Christmas!  Now you pay only 21 %.  That’s a 40 % cut.”  Stockbrokers ask Santa where his toy sacks are, and, he replies, “At Goldman Sachs!”

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By the time Santa Trump reaches the homes of families that earn $100,000 annually, there’s only about $1,000 dollars remaining for each of them.  Each check contains a memo from Gary Cohen encouraging them to purchase cars or renovate kitchens.  He doesn’t mention that they will only be able to afford a 2008 Yugo or a microwave oven and mini-fridge.

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The Santa Trump sleigh bombs California, New Jersey, and New York with empty SALT bags. As he returns to Mar-a Lago, he unloads axes that he plans to give Rex Tillerson, Robert Mueller, and Rod Rosenstein in the coming year.   He tweets as his long night ends, “Merry Christmas to all who are rich, time to watch Fox and Friends!”

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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via [email protected]. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.

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