By Alan Muskovitz
DETROIT –This week I delve into recent news stories that fall into the “you can’t make this stuff up” category. First, medical news out of London, where a man who lost his nose to skin cancer is having a new one grown in his arm using stem cells. Explaining the procedure is above my pay scale, but suffice it to say that when I see a story about body parts being grown on a person’s arm, it gets my attention. On the one hand, or arm if you will, this is a testament to advances in modern medicine. On the other hand, when you have a warped mind like mine, your imagination can get the best of you; which explains why the name John Wayne Bobbitt popped into my head as soon as I read this story.
While arm-grown replacement noses will dramatically improve the quality of a patient’s life, I fret over the possibility that rogue plastic surgeons will abuse this medical breakthrough. It wouldn’t surprise me if one day a certain “Dr. Feelgood” marketed extra noses to healthy kids’ who’ve run out of places to pierce their bodies. Or a quack ENT who runs unnecessary tests claiming your arm-nose has sleep apnea. And you just know there’s a segment of narcissistic individuals who will insist on having an extra nose grown on other parts of their bodies. I’ve got a bizarre word picture in my head right now and it’s not pretty. In a related story, a friend of mine is recovering from hand transplant surgery after a freak accident. He’s doing well, except one side affect; turns out his donor was a compulsive hitchhiker.
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Our next “you can’t make this stuff up” story comes to us out of York, Pennsylvania, where a family paid homage to their dearly departed’s love for fast-food by arranging for his funeral procession to pass through a Burger King Drive-Thru. Yep, it’s a “Whopper” of a tale, but it’s true. Everyone in the procession got a burger, including the deceased, David Kime, 88, a WWII Veteran, who had a hamburger placed on his flag-draped coffin. No word on whether the restaurant honored old Dave with a “21-ketchup-squirt.” Personally, when my time comes – many, many years from now – just tie to me to the top of the hearse, drive through a car wash (don’t forget the underbody special) then take me to the nearest Costco and treat everybody to a bunch of free food samples.
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Finally, in what is arguably the best “you can’t make this stuff up” news story of the last several months: The fake girlfriend hoax of Notre Dame football star Manti Te’o. Truth be told, having never had a date in college, I empathize with Manti and feel moved to change society’s attitude toward make-believe relationships. To that end, I would like to invite you to join me and Manti Te’o for the first ever “One Million Man Pretend Girlfriend March” on the Mall in Washington D.C. next Valentine’s Day. Yes, I have a dream. A dream that one day lonely men across this country will be free to marry their pretend girlfriends, raise real and or fake children together, and be able to include their pretend partner on their health insurance plan. Yes, it’s time my fellow Americans, with one caveat. That the pretend girlfriend or boyfriend my kids bring home…be Jewish.
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Alan Muskovitz is a columnist with the Detroit Jewish News, a voice-over/acting talent, speaker and for 14 years was a morning show personality on one of Detroit’s top rated CBS radio affiliates . Visit his website at laughwithbigal.com and follow Al on his official Facebook Fan Page and Twitter.