By Alan Muskovitz
DETROIT — Passover is fast approaching. The holiday commences on March 25th, which on the Jewish calendar is the 14th day of the month of Nisan; not to be confused with Nissan, which was a major manufacturer of luxury chariots back in 1445 B.C.
As we celebrate our Exodus, we should be thankful that so much has changed over the centuries and that we are now BFF’s, Best Friends Forever, with Egypt! Anyway, I got to thinking, what would it be like if God had delayed our freedom out of slavery until today?
First of all, the Exodus would’ve been so much easier on Moses. That 40-year schlep through the desert would be reduced by decades with the advent of On-Star and Google Maps providing better directions. Both services now available in Jewish versions called On-Star of David and Kugel Maps.
If our Exodus occurred today, we would never know from matzo, not with today’s microwaves. Here’s how I see it. Moses gets a text from the Pharaoh which reads: “Mo, I’m lettin’ your People go, like, right now! Moses replies: “Yeah right P, LOL”. Pharaoh: “Seriously, get out of town!” Moses: OMG! We are so like out of here!” Moses informs the People, they throw some instant dough in the microwave on high for three minutes, it rises beautifully; they pack a small wheelie carry-on, and off to the Red Sea they go!
Yes, the Red Sea. That part, you’ll excuse the expression, of our history, would remain intact even today. The big difference is, we wouldn’t walk through the parted sea, we would book a cruise. Only we would book our People on a Royal Caribbean Cruise, and we would make sure the Egyptian Army chasing us would be on a Carnival Cruise. Yep, as if getting swallowed up by the sea wasn’t bad enough, our oppressors would be without food and working toilets!
On to that defining moment when Moses came down from the mountain top, having just received the 10 Commandments from God. If that happened today, Moses would observe a “slightly” different scene. Instead of being witness to the scandal of Israelites worshipping idols, he would be equally traumatized by our People trying-out for American Idol. But fear not, today God would no doubt be added as a judge, ensuring that the very best of the “Chosen” people would be voted through to Hollywood.
Finally, one big question remains. If our People were not freed from Egypt until today, would God still forbid Moses from entering the Promised Land? I’m sorry, but I’m afraid the answer is still yes, but it would be handled a little differently in a modern age. Today Moses’ fate would be determined by his participation in a reality show called: “Survivor Egypt”, with God dragging Moses’ destiny out over several weeks for better ratings.
And that concludes my version of what Passover would look like if our Exodus out of Egypt would’ve been delayed until present day. I wish you and yours a peaceful Passover and…sorry, pardon the interruption, I’m getting a tweet. Wow, I don’t believe it! I’m actually getting a tweet from Modern Day Moses. It reads: MosesOnThe Move @Moses… “Desert trip not so bad, nisht gefehrlach, it’s a #dry heat”. Oy, thank God! The man’s been though enough. Happy Passover.
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Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/acting talent, speaker and emcee who works and lives in the Detroit area. Visit his website at laughwithbigal.com and “Like” Al on Facebook.