By Alan Muskovitz
DETROIT–We all face challenges. Health. Financial. Challenges that test us. It’s part of the human equation. No one gets by unscathed. But you know the saying – “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” Yeah, well trying convincing someone of that after they’ve attempted to “seamlessly” switch their phone service provider. I know, because I just lived through the (insert echo) horror, horror, horror.
Yes, I finally turned my landline phone service over to my cable and internet provider to take advantage of their bungled, er, “bundled” package deal. While in the end it all worked out, you do pay a price to pay a lower price. I will forgo mentioning my cable company’s name. My goal is not to besmirch them nor harm their bottom line, because for every communications firm in existence, there are plenty of disgruntled customers on the verge of a mental breakdown. I’m just one of the lucky ones who lived to talk about it…though it took a few days to talk about it because my phones didn’t work for awhile.
Here now is a condensed chronological compilation of my recent chaotic communications conversion. A deep breath aaaand here we go…
Switching to digital phone service required a new modem to accommodate my two landlines. Provider said I could buy modem to avoid leasing one. Told to visit on-site cable representative for assistance at one of five local Best Buys. To be safe, contacted all five by phone first; no representative existed. Visited a Best Buy to make sure. No rep and no such modem. Called manufacturer of modem. Says Best Buy has the modem, just wrong SKU. Given SKU; go back to store. Best Buy enters SKU in computer. No such product exists. I cave and order/lease modem from cable provider.
While new modem is in transit, cable company shuts off my existing modem. I have no computer service. Nice cable guy in Pakistan apologizes; turns modem back on. New modem arrives with “self-install” kit. I install modem. Seven of my eight phones are rendered useless. After six hours on phone with techs from three different countries, a service call is scheduled. In the interim I receive voice mail confirming that, I swear this is true: “Your new phone service will commence on “December 31, 2044”. I call cable company and ask if we can shoot for 2041. Service man arrives. Informs me there is no way I could’ve ever self-installed this system. He gets phones working. He leaves. Oops, forgot to see if new phones communicate with my alarm company. Want to venture a guess? Need special tech to fix alarm. Set-up appointment. Tech arrives two days later. Can’t fix it. Call alarm company; they fix it. Done. Phones work. Cable works. Internet works. Alarm works. Prescribed anxiety meds work. Mission accomplished. (Exhale)
I close now with a modified version of the 23rd Psalm.
Yea, though I walked through the valley of the shadow of a cable company,
I feared no evil: for thou art provided me with 3 technicians and 2 servicemen;
Thy cable, internet and phones, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a bundled price package before me in the presence of mine competitive offers,
Thou annointest my bill with discounts; my cup runneth over with savings.
Surely this great deal will follow me all the days of my life…NOT! I’ve already been told that I’ll be getting a rate increase in years two and three!
Amen? Yeah, right.
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Alan Muskovitz is a Detroit-based writer, voice-over/acting talent, speaker and emcee. Visit his website at laughwithbigal.com. “Like” Al on Facebook.