By Laurie Baron
CPAC has kept its acronym but changed what it stands for: Conspirators Planning Authoritarian Coups. This change is reflected in this year’s conference program.
Viktor Orbán replaced Vladimir Putin who canceled because he hadn’t finished writing his scheduled speech on “The Only Good Neighbor is An Annexed One.” After Orbán bragged how his country remained a White Christian nation by avoiding “race mixing,” the conference disc jockey played Percy Sledge’s “When a Man Loves a Woman.” Apparently, no one told him that Percy Sledge was black and had sired 12 children. Orbán blamed George Soros for bribing the disc jockey to play that song.
The title of Ben Carson’s talk is “Lobotomies as an Election Strategy.” To prove how effective this surgery is, he will trot out his model patient, Herschel Walker. Carson will introduce a new surgery he has developed to remove the backbones of RINOs.
Lauren Boebert will propose issuing guns to all white newborns and requiring them to attend marksmanship classes rather than day care to prepare them to defend their future schoolmates from shooters. Her slogan is “No Child Left Unarmed.”
Sean Hannity, Jim Jordan, Ted Cruz, and Glenn Beck will perform a rendition of “I Want a Girl Just Like the Girl That Married Dear Old Day,” and add a new verse “I don’t want a man, just like the man, who married cousin Bruce.”
Finally, Donald Trump will conclude the conference by repeating ad nauseum all the ways the 2020 election was stolen from him. To demonstrate that he doesn’t live only to re-adjudicate the past, he’ll celebrate the lengthy sentence meted out to the spoiled Brittney Griner. He hopes the prison exchange proposal offered Russia for Griner by Biden doesn’t pan out. After all, if he gets tried and found guilty, he knows Putin would trade Griner for him in a heartbeat.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.