By Bruce Lowitt near Clearwater, Florida
President Donald Trump, believing he is running out of countries to bomb in the Middle East, said that with his global tariff campaign in jeopardy, he has ordered the Pentagon to invade Canada and Mexico.
“Actually, the tariffs thing is just an excuse,” said Gen. Dan ‘Raizin’ Caine, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “We’re using Mexico and Central America as a road to South America. We’ve got, heh-heh, regime change in Venezuela, and we’re attacking the drug trade in Ecuador.
“Now we’re preparing, quoting the president, to ‘go after half a dozen other shithole countries down there.’ He told me he wants Brazil’s coffee, and Chile’s copper, and Bolivia’s gold, and Paraguay’s rice, and I bet those banana republics are … hey, that’s right. Bananas, too.”
As for Canada, Caine added, “Nunavut, one of its three Arctic territories, is just 25 or so miles across the Nares Strait from Iceland, so … Wait. No … Now he has me saying it. It’s Greenland. Greenland.” (Under his breath, “Greenland, Raizin’. Green. Land. Greenland. You can do this, Raizin’. Greenland.”) So. we can use Canada as a jumping-off point to G-Greenland whenever Trump gives us the go-ahead.”
The president, in his latest shift of reasoning for bombing Iran and then adding Syria, Iraq, Yemen and several other potential Middle East countries to his targets, blamed Israel for getting the United States involved.
“I didn’t want to do this until Bibi (Netanyahu) said he was going to start the war,” Trump said, “and I couldn’t let him get the jump on us, so I went ahead and beat him to the punch. The nerve of that guy. I mean, nobody steals my thunder, right?”
Secretary of State Marco Rubio, who – when he wasn’t busy sticking his fingers in his ears and saying “la-la-la-la-la, I can’t hear you” to reporters – has spent the past week denying, explaining, or correcting Trump’s statements.
He said the conflict in the Middle East could end “as soon as tomorrow or in a couple of days or weeks or in a few months or maybe next year. It depends on when he gives me the word that it’s no longer the distraction he … Wait. Check that,” Rubio said. “I mean because they were going to attack us first. Or he needs the right people winning primaries and … No, wait. Check that. I mean as soon as we destroy their navy. Or as soon as we get a nuclear agreement with them like the one Obama got before … No, wait. Damn! Check that. I mean we make sure the long-range nuclear missiles Iran doesn’t have and won’t get for a maybe a decade can’t reach our shores or Bermuda or the Aleutian Islands, or … No. wait. Check that. Or that the people rise up in protest and throw out their government’s corrupt and criminal leaders and take over … No. wait. Check that. …”
*
Bruce Lowitt, after a long career as a professional sportswriter, now writes a satirical column, THELOWITTLOWDOWN.com, on current events.