By Laurie Baron in San Diego
Donald Trump has planned a Tribute to America celebration on the 4th of July. After most of the entertainers invited to perform at it canceled, he decided to give the keynote address to substitute for them and fill up the golden mylar Trump ’28 balloons with hot air.
His speech will glorify great figures in American history like George Washington who opposed mail voting and approved of his face being featured on the dollar bill. Another hero to be honored is Andrew Jackson for the Indian Removal Act which gifted indigenous tribes their own lands with the proviso that they could be taken away if they were rich with natural resources. For this, he got his image slapped on the twenty-dollar bill because what he did was 20 times greater than what George Washington did. He’ll also give a shoutout to Jefferson Davis for fighting to stop DEI policies for slaves.
Following Stephen Miller’s, the Independence Day extravaganza will replicate the recent UFC fight in front of the White House. In this case mothers and children slated for deportation will fight heavily armed ICE agents. Like the UFC, there will be few rules the ICE agents need to heed. Gassing and tasing will be allowed.
Trump will share the progress he is making on beautifying Washington D.C. He’ll explain that it was always his intention to plant an algae bloom in the Reflecting Pool for two reasons: to hide the paint peeling from its sides and bottom and to honor Irish Americans. It’s just like what Chicago does with the Chicago River on St. Patrick’s Day. Next to gold, green is Trump’s favorite color.
The celebration will culminate in what Trump bills as the biggest fireworks display in the world. It will explode what remains of the American stockpile of explosives. His speech will emphasize that what recently transpired in Iran wasn’t a war, but rather a rehearsal for these pyrotechnics. A secret codicil from the ceasefire agreement requires Iran to pay for the ordinance to be used with a portion of its repatriated assets in return for not publicizing that it has made no commitment yet to halting its nuclear program.
Trump hopes that more people will attend the event than the huge crowds who flocked to Washington D.C. for his first inauguration and the 1/6 peaceful demonstration against the fraudulent election results that illegally propelled Sleepy Joe Biden into the presidency.
*
Laurie Baron, retired from San Diego State University, is a professor emeritus of history.