By Jené Verchick, PsyD., in Los Angeles
Here is a scene I see all the time. A couple sits down across from me, married 20-some years. She says, “He never notices anything I do.” He looks genuinely surprised. “I notice everything,” he says. “I just don’t say it.”
They are both telling the truth. And that small gap, between noticing and saying, is where a lot of long marriages quietly lose their sweetness.
Jewish tradition has a beautiful phrase for what is missing: hakarat hatov. Recognizing the good. It is more than politeness. It is a practice of training your eyes to catch what is going right and then saying so out loud.
Many of us learned it before we could read. Modeh Ani is the first thing said on waking, a thank-you before coffee, before email, before anything else. Blessings come before a meal, not after we decide whether it was good. The tradition does not wait for big moments to be grateful. It builds gratitude into the ordinary parts of the day.
Marriage works the same way.
In my 26+ years of working with couples, I have noticed that the happiest long marriages are not the ones with the fewest problems. They are the ones where both people still feel seen. And feeling seen almost never comes from grand gestures. It comes from small, specific words.
Not “thanks for everything.” That is kind, but it slides right off.
Try instead: “Thank you for warming up the car this morning.” “I loved how you handled my mother on the phone.” “You made the kids laugh tonight, and I needed that.”
Specific thanks tells your partner that you were paying attention. That is the real gift.
There is a lovely custom in many Jewish homes on Friday night. Before the meal, a husband sings Eshet Chayil, “A Woman of Valor,” to his wife. Once a week, at the table, in front of the people who matter most, someone is praised out loud for what they bring.
You do not have to sing. And it does not have to go in one direction. But the idea is worth keeping. Once a week, on purpose, tell your partner one thing you admire about them. Say it where they can hear it. Say it in front of the kids, if you have them. Children learn what love sounds like by listening to their parents.
When I suggested this to the couple from the beginning, he was skeptical. It felt forced, he said. I asked him to try it anyway, one specific thank-you a day, for three weeks.
When they came back, she spoke first. “He thanked me for remembering his father’s birthday,” she said. “I didn’t think he even knew I’d done it.” Her eyes were wet. He looked a little embarrassed and a little proud.
Nothing big had changed in their lives. The good had been there all along. Now it was being named.
So here is a small invitation for this week. Each day, catch your partner doing one good thing, and tell them. Keep it specific. Keep it short. Then notice what happens to the way you look at each other.
The good is usually already there. It is waiting to be recognized.
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Dr. Jené Verchick, PsyD, is a licensed psychologist with 26+ years working with couples. Learn more about her work as a couples’ therapist serving Rancho Santa Fe.