The Diary of Donald Trump
By Laurie Baron
In San Diego
June 3, 2019: Today my family and I went to London. Who invited Tiffany? More people welcomed me than attended my inauguration. One Londoner carried a sign equating me with England’s democratic oranges: “Donald Trump=Magna Farter.” Others flew a blimp proving I was bigger than Jim Comey even when I was a baby. Tonight we had dinner with the Royal family. I am a big fan of the Queen. She has ruled for 67 years without ever winning an election. I’m having my lawyers to draft an executive order to permit me to do the same. Liz is not nasty like Meghan and crooked Hillary. I gave her a MAGA cap.
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June 4, 2019: Held a press conference with Theresa May. I was nice even though she botched up Brexit which will make Britain great again. I endorsed Boris Johnson as her successor. Did I mention Boris and I have the same barber? Brexit will be very good for England just like my tariffs are very good for the United States. In the evening we hosted the Royal family for dinner. They loved the buffet of American fast foods.
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June 5, 2019: I conferred with the Irish Prime Minister in an airport lounge. Apparently, he doesn’t like golf. I chose the airport to preview the austerity measures the Irish Republic will take when Brexit goes into effect and the Republic goes into a depression for remaining in the EU. At least the Irish border wall will prevent those Irish Catholics from fleeing to the North.
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June 6, 2019: Traveled to Normandy to commemorate the 75th anniversary of D-Day. How did Eisenhower know to name this day after me even though I hadn’t even been born yet? Gave greatest speech ever about how Allied unity saved Europe from Nazism. As I learned more about Hitler, I must admit I was impressed how he had fortified the Western front to stop foreigners with guns from entering France. On flight back, I watched Triumph of the Will. It gave me some brilliant ideas for the 4th of July celebration I’m planning.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.