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Satire: The Unexpurgated Donald Trump

October 22, 2024

By Laurie Baron

Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO — At his rally in Latrobe, Pennsylvania, Donald Trump engaged in a twelve-minute digression about the town’s famous native son Arnold Palmer.  The low point of his comments came when he said, “This man was strong and tough, and I refuse to say it, but when he took showers with the other pros, they came out of there, they said, ‘Oh my God, that’s unbelievable.'” This didn’t shock me because I already knew Trump suffers from penis envy as Marco Rubio surmised during a 2016 primary debate, Stormy Daniels confirmed in her book, and Barack Obama illustrated in his speech at this year’s Democratic presidential convention.

Although many journalists assumed Trump’s remarks were extemporaneous, the dark website Peepee Leaks published the uncensored text Trump originally had planned to deliver, but omitted fearing it might hurt his prospects with evangelical voters.  Here are some excerpts:

“These pros also confided that when Arnold turned around quickly in the showers, he swept them off their feet.  To give you an idea of how well-endowed Arnold was, people say that he didn’t need to use clubs to hit golf balls. Jewish golfers were intimidated by how he lined up his putz. He was so big he once aspired to be a pole vaulter. He belonged to two PGA’s, the Professional Golfers Association and the Praiseworthy Genital Association.  To mock his rival Jack Nicklaus, he gilded his member and dubbed it “the golden bare.”

Frankly, I don’t think Trump should worry about his vulgarity offending his evangelical supporters.  As televangelist Lance Wallnau has declared, “The hand of God is on him and he cannot be stopped.”  God either has dirty hands or an ironic sense of humor!

*

Laurie Baron is a professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University

 

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