By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO — When asked by reporters whom he wanted to succeed Pope Francis, Donald Trump said, “I’d like to be pope. That would be my number one choice.” Since I wanted to know more why he aspires to be pope, I surfed the internet and found him discussing it with Pete Hegseth on Signal. The following is the transcript of his comments:
“I know I’m infallible. The Evangelicals already recognize me as their messiah. Why shouldn’t I have the Catholics, who, I remind you, voted for me, acknowledge my unerring brilliance? Christians throughout the world will bless my tariffs as God’s gift to the United States even though they might raise the cost of imported communion wafers and wine.
“I love the ceremony of wealthy donors kissing my ring. It is much more dignified than how they currently kiss my posterior.
“Being pope would eliminate the major drawback of my presidency, the constitutional ban on serving more than two terms. If I leave office in 2029, a matter still up for debate, I’d relish the opportunity to spend the rest of my life as the pontiff. That could be a very long time since whether I am mortal is up for debate too.
“Although I was impressed by the Vatican buildings, they are not ornate enough for my taste. They need more gilding, particularly the toilets even though I never defecate. When visitors see all that gold, they might wonder if there’s something like gold whose value always rises. This would render them eager customers to purchase the stablecoins I’d sell at the Vatican gift shop. Ivanka would be granted the concession to manufacture and sell designer miters with embroidered MAGA monograms whose meaning will be changed to Make Atheists Go Away. She’ll also produce a line of blue suits to replace those feminine robes the cardinals wear.
“Finally, I will paint over the Sistine Chapel ceiling. I was deeply offended by the panel the Creation of Adam. Adam is naked and looks lovingly at a scantily clad God who is surrounded by a bevy of nude people. He reaches out to hold God’s hand. It obviously was intended to groom Catholic men to be homosexuals. No wonder so many priests became pedophiles! I’ll replace it with a giant mural of me handing out two dolls on Christmas to throngs of grateful children!”
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Laurie Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University.