Hounding the Headlines: Canine Observations of Retirement Community Living

By Elona Baron as barked to Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO –Back in July I wrote about my concerns regarding my human servants moving into a retirement community.  Now that I have lived here for several months, I wanted to share my observations with my fellow dogs in case their human servants move into a similar facility.

The humans who reside here have different bodies than the ones I’m used to seeing.  I always thought humans had two legs, but now I know that many of them sprout wheels when they get older.  Initially I feared they would roll over my tail, but they steer around it.  Other humans carry big sticks in their hands that are long enough to touch the ground.  I am perplexed that they never throw the sticks and fetch them or at least let their dogs bring them back. I think most of them hail from the same breed since they have gray or white fur.

There is a dog park, but it tends to be populated by smaller dogs who incessantly bark at me.  A lot of them have airbrushed white fur and sport pink bows on their heads or collars.  Since I’m bigger and love to run without looking at what is in my way, I only go to the dog park when those fluffy yapping midgets aren’t there.

When I go on walks, my humans often guide me into the main building.  I don’t know if the doors are afraid of me or just polite, but they open whenever I approach to let me in. Once I’m inside, other humans start petting me and telling me how sweet I am.  Perhaps they read the advance publicity blurb I sent out before moving here.

When I return outside, I love the variety of trees that grow along the paths where I walk.  At my old home, I was bored peeing only on jacarandas, palm trees, and telephone poles.  Now I can water an assortment of bottlebrush, fig, magnolia, orchid, pine, and strawberry trees.  It’s like a urination smorgasbord.

My humans get upset when vans with flashing red lights pull up in front of the main building.  I see some residents carried into the vans and driven away. It scares me too since I fear these vans are dispatched by animal control and someday might apprehend delinquent dogs.

The worst part of my new community is that my humans don’t stay at home or eat meals in their house as much as they once did.  They always seem to be involved with activities like bocce ball, exercise, or yoga.  What’s even worse is having fewer opportunities to beg for and receive table scraps. Nevertheless, they appear to be happier, and happier humans translate into greater enjoyment in playing with me.

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Elona resides with Bonnie and Laurie Baron. The latter is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University.  No animals were harmed in the writing of this column.