Tell People How Much You Appreciate Them, Before It’s Too Late

By Shayna Kaufmann

SAN DIEGO — When our daughters were about three and five, my husband started a birthday appreciation tradition. After dinner, we go around the table and each person shares something they appreciate about the birthday girl or guy—their courage, humor, generosity, spark, a meaningful memory, etc.

As the precious words are being shared, the birthday person just receives; no deflecting, no minimizing, no returning the compliment. (Tears, smiles, hugs, and “thank you” are allowed. )  And while sitting in that spotlight can feel uncomfortable at first (especially for those of us more practiced at giving love than receiving it), something soft and profound always happens. We are reminded of our specialness and how rarely we hear the ways we positively impact others.

Which brings me to now. If there is a silver lining to having cancer, it is the love – the depth of love, the sincerity, and the unexpected reach. Until my diagnosis in July, I truly didn’t know how many people love me, nor how deeply my presence and work have touched others. I have been stunned by the beautiful words from family, friends, clients, acquaintances—even people I didn’t realize were holding me in their hearts. It has been overwhelming in the most extraordinary way.

Recently, I attended a Celebration of Life for a beloved member of my synagogue who passed unexpectedly. He was a stellar community volunteer, as reflected by the throngs of people who came to honor him. One by one, people shared the countless ways he touched their lives. Amidst tears, I found myself wondering:

 Did he know the incredible impact his kindness had on so many?

Why is it that these words are usually shared after someone dies rather than when they can hear it?

Did I ever tell him how much I loved when he read flawlessly from the Torah? Or how I appreciated the way he kept the communal kitchen so clean?

I hope so. Because if not, it’s too late.

With Thanksgiving approaching, I invite you to explore gratitude from a slightly different angle: gratitude for others.

• Each week (or each day if you feel called), think of someone who has impacted your life, in big or small ways. Start with those closest to you. Even when people “know” we appreciate them, it is still deeply nourishing to hear it spoken aloud.
• Then consider your wider circles—friends, acquaintances, or someone you barely know. The impact doesn’t have to be grand. It may be a moment, a word, a gesture you haven’t forgotten. Tell them while you can; while they are around to receive it.

I’m thinking of a woman I see regularly at the gym. We aren’t close. In fact, I don’t even know her name but she is open about her cancer journey. A few months ago, I tearily shared my diagnosis with her. She smiled, took my hands, looked directly into my eyes, and said,

“You’re going to be okay. It won’t be easy, but you will get through it.”

Then she gave me her number and told me to call anytime. I choked up at her perfect, compassionate response. And thankfully, I told her so right then.

Don’t wait to tell people what you appreciate about them. Life is unpredictable. I am profoundly grateful to each of you for taking the time to read this blog and for being part of the embracing community. Wishing you all a Thanksgiving of both giving and receiving buckets of love and appreciation.

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Shayna Kaufmann is a clinical psychologist, author, and freelance writer based in San Diego County.