By Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D. in El Cajon, California
Thank you, Jacob. For what, you might ask? For reminding us never to miss a chance to do good, to say a kind word, to act with intention while we still have the gift of “now.” In one simple act, Jacob teaches us to avoid the “someday” mindset and to honor the present moment—especially when it comes to kindness.
Years ago, in 1988, when I wrote Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff (PS: It’s All Small Stuff), I argued that much of what we stress over truly doesn’t ultimately matter. But Jacob shows us something just as important: that while we would be wise to not sweat the small stuff, we would be wise to pay attention to it. Small gestures can carry great meaning because they may matter deeply to someone else.
This comes to life in our parsha. Hashem directs Jacob to return home, and Jacob still fears Esau, the brother with whom he has a long and difficult history. Worried for his family’s safety, he divides them into two camps, and then, curiously, spends the night alone. The Torah soon reveals that Jacob wrestles through the night with a mysterious “Man,” an angel. But the real question is: if he was so worried about his family, why didn’t he stay with them?
The Talmud (Chullin 91) gives us an unexpected answer. R’ Elazar explains the words “And Jacob remained alone” to mean that Jacob had gone back across the river for small flasks he had forgotten. At first glance, it seems almost trivial. Why would he risk everything for something so minor? But maybe the flasks weren’t about Jacob at all. Maybe they mattered to someone in his family. And if so, Jacob teaches us the value of acting now, of noticing the small things that matter to others, and not assuming there will always be a “later.” If you want to understand what truly matters in your life, pay attention to how you spend your now.
From this, Jacob gives us a profound lesson: kindness offered now is what builds a meaningful life. Would it be wise for me to tell him he’s a good friend now? Would it be helpful if I let her know now that she looks beautiful today? Would it be proper if I offer help now? Buy a stranger a cup of coffee? Go back across the river for something that seems insignificant but may matter to someone else? Jacob answers every one of these questions the same way: Yes. Now.
And there is more. When life overwhelms us, when responsibilities pile up and we feel stretched thin, growth often requires shedding old habits or identities, so that new ones can take root. Vayishlach asks us to consider what it means to remain true to ourselves even as circumstances push us to change. In Parsha Vayishlach we learn from Jacob how to deal with stress by showing us to use conflict, challenges, and difficulties in life in the service of our growth. You see, Jacob found meaning and lessons that helped him and turned his obstacles into blessings.
It says in the parsha, “The angels returned to Jacob, saying, ‘We came to your brother, to Esau, and he is also coming toward you, and four hundred men are with him.’ Jacob became very frightened and was distressed; so he divided the people who were with him and the flocks and the cattle and the camels into two camps.”
HaRav Moshe Feinstein, zt”l, in teaching about dealing with fear, tells us that Jacob was fearful not because he was worried that he was going to be punished by Esav, but rather he was worried that he had not reached his full potential. Sure, Jacob had emunah, but that meant for him not necessarily knowing what the future held, knowing instead and more importantly, who held the future.
Rav Henach Leibowitz explains that Jacob’s fear awakened and uplifted him, and that Jacob used his fear to buttress his faithfulness to Hashem. Fear can be a strength, not a weakness. And from the teaching of Rav Shlomo Wolbe, we learn that Jacob turned a potential mess into a clear message from Hashem, “Trust in me but invest in whatever effort is necessary and is in your power to save yourself and your family.”
Jacob prepares to meet Esau after years of estrangement. The night before, he wrestles with an angel who renames him Israel, “one who wrestles with Hashem,” a name marking transformation, struggle, and resilience. The next day, he meets Esau not with violence but with peace; his life continues with new children, new challenges, new blessings. Yet before all this, Jacob offers another quiet moment of self-awareness.
In Genesis 32:5, Jacob sends Esau a message: “I stayed with Laban and remained until now.” The word garti, “I lived there,” is read by Rashi as echoing taryag, the 613 mitzvot. Jacob is saying: I lived in Laban’s world, but I didn’t become Laban. I stayed true to myself. This message is as urgent now as ever. We absorb the values of the people around us. Some influences lift us; others pull us down. The challenge is to hold fast to what is right even when everything around us pushes the other way.
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Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D., prepares a weekly D’var Torah for Young Israel of San Diego, where he and his family are members. They are also active members of Congregation Adat Yeshurun.