Alive in the middle

I wasn’t prepared for bad news. I truly believed this was a rule-out test following some confusing imaging. And I assumed that if the results were serious, my doctor would call me personally.

I was wrong. On both counts.

We read the word adenocarcinoma and other terms like peritoneum, which sounded like gibberish to us. With no one to call at that hour and desperate for clarity, Eric pasted the report into ChatGPT — something I will never, ever do again. It summarized the findings as follows:

“…advanced metastatic cancer with an average life expectancy of seven months.”

Seven months!?! Our jaws dropped. It was too surreal to even process. Eric and I just sat there, stunned, holding hands. I vividly remember the moment like it was yesterday.

We read those words exactly seven months ago. Yet here I am, very much alive, with a response to treatment that has surprised even the most seasoned cancer specialists.

My cancer journey is far from over (I am “in the middle,” with a big surgery this coming Wednesday, and have no idea what will happen after.) Nevertheless, where I am at this moment is borderline miraculous.

People often comment about my positive attitude and warrioress spirit as the reason I am doing so well. I’m certain that is a part of it, as are a plethora of other factors and interventions.  But if I had to name the thread running through everything that has sustained me, surprised my doctors, and carried me forward, it would be this:

Love.

• The love I feel for Eric, Tara, and Maya fuels my determination every single day.
• The love of family – especially my brother Sander and cousin Stuart, who guided us in those early days when we were shell-shocked – and my friend Gay, who has come with us to every appointment and taken copious notes.
• The love of friends who fed us, drove me to and from chemo, clothed me when my clothes no longer fit, sent thoughtful gifts, and gave me hugs that said everything words could not.
• The love that continues to pour in through texts, CaringBridge messages, emails, calls, GoFundMe donations, and prayers. They lift me more than you know and have absolutely contributed to my healing.
• My love of life and the knowing that my work, my unique offering, is not finished.

This is what embracing the middle looks like for me right now — uncertainty, vulnerability, and love intertwined.

What aspect of your life is calling for more love?

·       Is it being gentler and kinder to yourself through your actions and self-talk?

·       Is it asking for and gratefully receiving help when you need it?

·       Is it releasing old, toxic resentments and allowing that space to be soothed with love?

·       Is it extending love to a colleague, friend, or relative in need? Trust me when I say that seeing someone’s pain and offering a few genuine words of support can make an incredible impact.

Love is so much bigger than romance. It surpasses political beliefs, heals, soothes, and gives us strength. It is powerful, powerful medicine.

In this Valentine’s month, love your neighbor and, just as importantly, love yourself.

With love

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Clinical psychologist Shayna Kaufmann, Ph.D., is an author and freelance writer.