Satire: ICE issues handbook for agents supplementing TSA at airports

By Laurie Baron in San Diego

Donald Trump has dispatched ICE agents to American airports to assist TSA agents during the partial shutdown. Based on the copy of The ICE Handbook for the TSA Mission, I’m not sure ICE understands its new assignment.

The ICE Handbook for the TSA Mission

When stationed at an airport, remember TSA stands for tackling suspicious aliens.  In this regard, you should monitor all Mexican Restaurants inside airports.  If someone rolls their Rs when ordering or calls refried beans frijoles, arrest them immediately!

Hang out with the lowest paid manual workers, namely, baggage handlers, custodians, and parking attendants.  These are people who occupy jobs American citizens will covet after they lose their jobs to AI. Apprehend them!

A skin color recognition device will be issued to each agent.  It will indicate if someone’s pigmentation is not sufficiently white.  They have been sent by our enemies to replace us.  ICE is confident you know who “us” refers to.

Confiscate passenger cell phones, iPads, and laptops and check if they contain downloaded tracks by Bad Bunny, Gloria Estafan, Ricky Martin, and Shakira.  If someone listens to their music, they have lost their right to stay or travel in the United States.

Scrutinize medications being carried on board by passengers.  Tylenol is Spanish for Fentanyl. Soft white pills that can be crushed into powder are likely cocaine. You can use small drones to blow up these drug dealers.

Requisition spaces at airports to serve as holding pens.  Smaller areas are preferred to guarantee overcrowding.  The dregs imprisoned there will receive only the small bags of nuts or pretzels handed out on short flights for nourishment.

Airplanes with suspected illegals are fair targets.  They have more windows to shoot through than cars have.

Airports in states with cold winters have de-icing equipment. Destroy it.  It conveys the wrong message to the public.

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Laurie Baron, retired from San Diego State University, is a professor emeritus of history.