By Elona Baron (as barked to Laurie Baron) in San Diego
As citizens of the United Species of America, each kind of animal elects their own national and local representatives. This election is particularly urgent for the dogs in the USA because our current president has become a dogtator. so much so that his political foes have nicknamed him the Golden Deceiver.
The Golden Deceiver claims he is a Golden Retriever, but he behaves like a rabid pit bull. He instituted a deportation program for dog breeds which didn’t originate in Europe and the United States. Chihuahuas, Afghan Hounds, Pekingese, among other breeds, live in terror of being picked up by roving dog catchers. Although he claims they will be relocated to their homelands, there are rumors that they get sent to countries where the humans eat dogs.
Moreover, the Golden Deceiver ignores the laws that the Canine Council has passed. While most dogs dislike leash laws, he has imposed a law requiring short leashes contending that this will condition dogs to be more obedient.
He is contemptuous of smaller dog breeds whom he believes should defer to big alpha dogs like himself. He is trying to prevent those dogs from voting by stationing dog catchers outside of dog parks where dog polling places are located. He feels the same way about girl dogs whom he gratuitously humps without their consent. When he calls them bitches, he means it as a slur and not as the term for female dogs.
The veterinarian he has appointed wants to end distemper shots because dogs with a temper can intimidate other animals and people. Indeed, his supporters have organized under the acronym MDGA (Make Dogs Growl Angrily).
He has torn down sections of his residence and replaced them with a humongous dog park that will dwarf anything else in the world. His next project is a giant fire hydrant.
He is also an aggressive dog. He plans to annex other territories and places whose names refer to other species. For example, Catalonia will become Dogalonia.
Dogs who believe in the equality of breeds and the rule of paw must speak out against him. We will not be muzzled!
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Elona Baron resides with Laurie and Bonnie Baron.