By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — Although the events are years away, President Trump is planning the Bar/Bat Mitzvah parties of his three Jewish grandchildren.
“They’ll be the biggest celebrations of their kind that anyone has ever seen,” he said. “Obama had nothing like this. Neither did Bush, and certainly not Clinton.”
The children will not be of age for several years, but the president tweeted: “Never like to leave things for last minute. Always well-prepared.”
In other tweets and in conversations with intimates, additional plans were revealed:
”I’ll invite only about a thousand of my closest friends. Probably have to include Congressional leaders. But maybe invitations to Chuck and Nancy will get lost in the mail, and maybe the mailman will recuse himself from delivering an invite to Jeff. Anyway, hope they’ll all be gone from government by then. NOT SOON ENOUGH!”
“Sheriff Joe will gladly keep the kids under control, and Scott Pruitt will pick up traditional (expensive) fountain pens—relics by then – for my grandkids.
“Speeches will be written by my man Steve Miller. I guarantee you, what the kids say won’t be of the ‘be-nice-to-everybody, thank-my-teacher, peace-and-love, let’s-all -go-down-to-the-seashore-together’ variety. They’ll have real meat. Maybe point out the dangers of hanging out with illegals. Never too early to give the kids something to think about.”
The president’s planning does not include the religious part of the events. “If you ask me, that could be left out entirely – BORE–ING.
“That’s a joke, though the corrupt media will probably run headlines, ‘Trump Insults Jewish Religion,’ ‘Trump Disses Jews.’ Of course nothing could be further from the truth, I love the Jews. But the rigged news people don’t know anything about truth.”
President Trump recalled that, years ago, a father of a bar mitzvah boy was such a football fan, he hired a quarterback to get festivities started by throwing the football-shaped challah (Trump pronounced it holly) to the boy.
“At my grandkids’ events, we’ll have lots of football players – patriots (and not just the New England Patriots) yes, true patriots, not the cowardly traitors who refused to stand during the National Anthem. Maybe have them do a full scrimmage.”
“There’ll be lots of music – more than one orchestra – maybe even a mariachi band from Mexico — that ought to give the fake news organizations something to think about. Probably drive them crazy…even crazier than they are now.”
As to food, he predicted it would be “unbelievable,” some of it kosher, including “Jewish surf and turf (gefilte fish and chopped liver).”
The events will be held at Mar-a-Lago, “of course. But I won’t charge the guests the regular price. That’s another joke.”
He’s considering having the respective honorees arrive in a horse-drawn wagon, “but with a lot more horses than the Brit royal couple just did.”
In an aside, he tweeted, “Notice that my granddaughter will get as much attention as the boys. Believe me, before my administration, only the boys had a Bar Mitzvah; there was no comparable event for girls.”
When this claim was challenged at a news briefing, press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, “Nobody has done more for gender equality than President Trump. Next.”
Other possible features of the celebrations he’s considering include parades and gifts for guests – “Maybe a special medal with my likeness. They’ll love it.”
He might also plan a Bat Mitzvah celebration for Ivanka. “We’ll see.”
In any case, “these will be the biggest and best celebrations ever. Trust me.”
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Readers who are new to freelance writer Joel Cohen’s “Just Kidding” columns are advised that they are satirical and should not be taken seriously.