By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO−Here are some letters of application for the soon-to-be vacated White House Chief of Staff position.
Dear President Trump,
I can run circles around the Congress. If there are women from your past trying to sully your reputation, I know how to deal with them. I have extensive experience in vetting lawyers who could exonerate you even if you killed someone in Times Square. I’ll handle the Fake News. If there’s no freedom of speech, they can’t impeach. And if worse comes to worst, I can prepare you for life in prison.
Yours truly,
O.J. Simpson
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Dear President Trump,
Now that you realize I will never flip on you, all I need is a pardon to serve as your Chief of Staff. With my close relationships with the Russian government, you won’t have to deal with Putin directly anymore. Most importantly, I hate Mueller as much as you do.
Yours truly,
Paul Manafort
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Dear President Trump,
I have this plan of building a moat around the White House with a drawbridge. I’m skilled at closing bridges when it is politically expedient. Since I helped you get elected, I deserve some payback. Besides, we could binge together on junk food.
Yours truly,
Chris Christie
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Dear President Trump,
We talk nightly on the phone and always agree with each other. Let’s eliminate the risk of our calls being intercepted by acknowledging that I already am your Chief of Staff.
Yours truly,
Sean Hannity
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.