With a tip of the hat to Franz Kafka
SAN DIEGO−Some traitorous do-nothing Democrat made a false accusation against Donald T. for he learned one day he was being impeached even though in his mind he had acted perfectly to get himself reelected. Every morning his chef brought him a bucket of fried chicken for breakfast, but on this morning, a woman named Nancy sent him a kale salad with a note that ominously read: “Eat something healthy. You’re going to need it.” Within weeks his lawyers found themselves colluding with a turtle-faced man to shield T. from the calumnies a mixed-race prosecution team would level at him. This reinforced T’s conviction that people who aren’t white are incapable to administering justice and need to be denied a voice in the government.
To assure the outcome of T’s trial, his lawyers advanced casuistic arguments on his behalf. One contended that if T. equated his self-interest with that of the nation, then nothing he did to secure his reelection could ever be judged an impeachable offense. To fend off charges of abuse of power, another conceded that T. only verbally abused his enemies, but never abused his power. After all, why would he denigrate his power? The defense handed out scalpels to the Senators to excise the misconception that the House or Senate had any role in overseeing a president, let alone removing him from office. How can someone obstruct powers they don’t possess?
Although the prosecution presented convincing evidence that T. had violated his oath to defend the constitution and sought to buttress their case with other eyewitnesses, T. threatened to withhold support for the reelection campaigns of colleagues who wanted to call more witnesses. Some of them admitted T. was guilty, but not guilty enough to stop him from cheating and extorting a foreign power during the remainder of his term.
In the end, no one came to escort T. out of the Oval Office where he had hatched and executed his schemes and cover-ups. Instead, he conferred with his advisers about how to punish Crazy Nancy, Shifty Schiff, Crying Chuck, and all their minions for having had the nerve to hold him accountable for his actions. T. planned to hire hitmen to kill their political careers. After his rivals were eliminated, FOX News would gloat they deserved to be treated like dogs. When justice is blinded, the results are Kafkaesque.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.
Wonderful. And now, I know how to refer to him. T. That’s perfect. Thanks!