By Bruce Lowitt
CLEARWATER, Florida — Congress, unwilling or unable to deal with legislation on voting, education, health, infrastructure or anything else of consequence, has now called an audible by deciding to investigate the Washington Football Team’s scandals.
The criticism being showered upon the National Football League franchise formerly known as the Redskins involves, in part, the e-mails between Bruce Allen, its former general manager and president, and former Buccaneers and Raiders coach Jon Gruden.
“We figured this was something safe we could go after and distract Americans from the fact that we’re not doing our jobs,” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Bewilder, said.
On Thursday, Illinois Rep. Raja Krishnamoorthi, D-Bhaarat, and New York Rep. Carolyn Maloney, D-Platinum, sent a letter to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell asking, among other things:
“What is a scrimmage?”
“Is a scrum as dirty as it sounds?”
“Does a flea flicker involve dogs?”
“Are dogs used in a pooch punt?”
“Does PETA know about this?”
“Can you use a shotgun in a run-and-shoot?”
“Does the NRA know about this?”
“Is the run-and-shoot even legal in football or is it limited to police?”
“Is a Hail Mary led by a priest?”
“Does Pope Francis want in on that?”
“Is a blitz like a Jewish crepe?”
When they get answers to their questions, Maloney said, she expects to be able to unravel the problems facing the Washington Football Team since long before its name became a hot-button issue that “encouraged us to stick our noses into another thing that we have no business investigating, instead of trying to run the country – as opposed to running it into the ground as we’re doing now.”
She said she has “seen some of the e-mails and their racist, misogynistic and homophobic language, not to mention inappropriate photos of current and former team cheerleaders which the other members of my committee are studying at length and in great detail.”
Krishnamoorthi said the decision by House Parliamentarian Jason Smith to assign the investigation into the House Select Committee on Indian Affairs was confusing on several levels.
“For one thing,” Krishnamoorthi said, “I was born in New Delhi and the committee has nothing to do with that India. Second, the WFT dropped the name Redskins like a year and a half ago. And third, this has nothing to do with that. If it did, we’d be all over the Atlanta Braves, Kansas City Chiefs, Chicago Blackhawks, Florida State Seminoles, Central Michigan Chippewas … Want me to go on?”
The NFL team was born in 1932 as the Boston Braves. The following year team owner George Preston Marshall changed the name to Redskins to avoid confusion with the baseball team. Five years later he moved the franchise to Washington, D.C., but kept the name – which like many other indigenous nicknames, didn’t become widely controversial for another 45 years or so.
The decision to drop “Redskins” and come up with another name before the start of the 2022 NFL season is a reversal of the position Dan Snyder took and held firmly for more than two decades.
In 2001, two years after buying the franchise and Fedex Field, Snyder told the National Press Club: “Number one, we’re never going to change the name of the Washington Redskins,” neglecting to mention that he had previously changed his name from Moishe Rabinowitz.
“Zei gezunt,” he said, leaving the lectern.
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Bruce Lowitt is a freelance writer based in Clearwater, Florida. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.