By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO – Laughing to keep from crying, here’s a look back at 2023:
January
My Blue Kevin (Melody: My Blue Heaven)
The GOP votes multiple times.
‘Cause the crazies reject blue Kevin.
Turn to the right, the extreme MAGA right
Will make him the blue, blue Kevin.
He bargained away, whatever sway, the Speaker has had.
When they vacate, and agitate, he’ll end up sad. Too bad!
Just Matt and Andy, and Boebert makes three
Have hemmed in the blue blue Kevin.
He won, but he lost, at such a high cost.
Pity the poor blue Kevin.
February
To defend the country from foreign attacks, the United States has developed sophisticated weapons like stealth jets and weapons capable of shooting down incoming missiles. The Chinese spy balloon alerted our leaders to the dangers of low-tech threats to our security. A supplemental military appropriation bill addresses this problem.
To counter the danger of future balloon incursions, the bill allocates funds to produce flying sewing needles, or as the Pentagon calls them, ADDs-Aerial Deflationary Devices. Sophisticated radar installations will be equipped with binoculars connected to television monitors. The government will requisition trapeze safety nets from circuses to be redeployed to minimize the damage to plummeting balloon debris. The export of helium and Mylar to hostile countries will be banned.
March
Donald Trump held the first campaign rally for his 2024 presidential bid in Waco, Texas. The location was selected because the city has hosted other cults in the past willing to commit violence and die on behalf of their leader when the Deep State FBI and ATF were weaponized to persecute them.
The event opened with a chorus of 1/6 inmates, a new KKK-Pop group. They sang their version of The Star-Spangled Banner entitled The Scar Mangled Batter describing their recreational activities during their peaceful tour of the Capitol building on January 6th, 2021. Percussion was provided by the sounds of battering rams and flag poles gently tapping on the doors and windows of the Capitol to announce their presence to their congressional representatives and senators. Jumbo screens of footage from 1/6 reminded everyone of how benign their visit was as they played Red Rover with the Capitol Police and protected everyone from wild animals with bear spray. They even planned to give Mike Pence a gift of a pre-knotted Donald Trump hemp necktie to show their appreciation of his vice-presidency.
April
Given the recent spate of people shot by gun owners who felt mortally threatened by them, new warning signs are on the market to avert further bloodshed. Here are some of them:
–No Knocking on My Door if You Are Not White!
–Beware of Trigger-Happy Owner!
–My Car May Be Unlocked, But My Gun Isn’t
–My House Is More Than a Castle, it’s an Armed Fortress
— Forget About My Guard Dog; It’s Me Who’s Rabid
May
Fifty Ways to Ban Abortions (Melody: Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover)
We believe a fetus constitutes a life.
Whether the mother is single or a wife.
Ending Roe made the moment rife.
There must be fifty ways to ban abortions.
Fifty ways to ban abortions.
“We’ll save the ovum in the womb.
A doctor’s office should not be its tomb.
Outlaw the pills that will spell its doom.
There must be fifty ways to ban abortions.
Fifty ways to ban abortions.
Just arrest the doc, Brock.
Not after six weeks, Zeke.
Choose the right court, Mort.
Force them to give birth.
June
You might be experiencing climate change if:
–You wear an N-95 mask whenever you go outside for reasons other than Covid-19 protection.
–Your inland house has become beachfront property
–You plan to purchase a Tesla despite how much you loathe Elon Musk.
–Greenland has changed into green land
–Smokey the Bear has retired because he can’t keep up with all the wildfires.
–Your monthly water bill is larger than your monthly mortgage payment
–Birds no longer need to migrate south during winter.
–The National Hurricane Center runs out of names for new hurricanes.
July
The new African American history curriculum for Florida public schools requires teaching that “slaves developed skills which, in some instances, could be applied for their personal benefit.” The textbook companies are now scrambling to publish textbooks that meet these criteria. I’ve seen an advance copy of one of them: Uncle Tom’s Mansion: A History of the Happy African American Experience in America. Here’s some excerpts:
African Americans were way ahead of their white counterparts in embarking on all-inclusive transatlantic cruises. They strengthened their muscles with rowing machines and kept fit on the low protein diet served on the boats. They fondly remember the “Middle Passage” as a journey to the lush life they would enjoy on beautiful plantations. When they were put up for auction, they learned how the relationship between supply and demand determines price furnishing them with a basic knowledge of capitalist economics. They pioneered the glamping experience in rustic wooden huts surrounded by forests and cotton fields. Picking cotton taught them the hand/eye coordination they would subsequently use in factory assembly lines in the North. House slaves, on the other hand, mastered the cleaning skills that subsequent generations would practice as janitors and maids. Female slaves enrolled in sex education classes taught by the white men on the plantation.
August
Sir Richard Branson’s rocket company Virgin Galactic ushered in the era of commercial space flight with its successful launch and landing of the VSS Unity. It carried one passenger who paid for his ticket and a mother and daughter from Antigua who won the voyage in a lottery. Although they experienced weightlessness and saw the curvature of the earth, they quickly realized that Virgin Galactic treated its customers just like all airlines treat their customers. Jon Goodwin, the paying passenger from Great Britain, bought his ticket 18 years ago for $250,000. In the interim the fare has gone up to $450,000. Thus, his cheaper ticket price qualified only for an economy seat which he didn’t get to choose. Not only did it have less legroom, but he was also charged for each piece of luggage he brought with him. If the flight had been cancelled, he would be out of luck since his ticket was non-refundable.
September
Although not Jewish, MAGA politicians are trying to court Jewish voters. Thus, they have posted penitential prayers on their websites. Here’s a sampling:
Marjorie Taylor Greene: Dear God, I confess that I have been mean to Joe Biden. In the coming year I vow to campaign very hard against his reelection because I want him to retire. He needs some rest. After all, he’s ancient and needs to stop working. This will be my good deed for the year. I entreat you to shield me from being incinerated by Jewish Space Lasers.
Lauren Boebert: If you let me vape at Yom Kippur services, I promise to leave my guns at home.
Donald Trump: I don’t have to atone because I’ve done nothing wrong. Frankly God, I beseech you not to enter the names of those disloyal liberal and socialist Jews into the Book of Life. By the way I’d like you to investigate how the Torah was rigged. I have information that there’s six books of Moses.
October
Jim Jordan failed to win over enough “moderate” Republicans to vote for him in his bid to become Speaker of the House. Eavesdropping through the microphone I planted in the men’s bathroom outside the House Chamber [the toilets there are called Chamber Pots], I heard the following promises Jordan made to his MAGA supporters which I believe undermined his election:
“The first thing I’ll do as Speaker is change the name to Shouter of the House conferring on me the right to shout down people whom I disagree with whether they be communist Democrats or RINOs. This will legitimate what I’ve been doing already on the Judiciary, Oversight, and Weaponization of the Federal Government Committees.”
“Then I will replace the Capitol Police with recruits from the Oath Keepers and Proud Boys. If they had been in charge on 1/6, those poor tourists would not have been viciously attacked by the Capitol Police who provoked them by blocking their access to the Capitol and not even offering them refunds for the tour tickets they had purchased.”
November
Thanksgiving brings families together, but arguments about current events break them up. This year Jewish families will face this combustible situation as relatives sympathetic with the plight of Gazan civilians come face to face with their Stand With Us kin. Here are some suggestions to avoid the meal from being ruined by such confrontations.
Tell your guests ahead of time not to wear either blue and white clothing or red, green, and black clothing. Confiscate their political buttons and symbolic tied ribbons at the door. Make sure all newspapers and magazines have been stored away where no one can find them, even in the bathroom where some of them will demand something to read after they stuff themselves at dinner.
Don’t start dinner by recounting the story of the first Thanksgiving. Some guests are bound to identity the Pilgrims with the Israelis and the native Americans with the Palestinians.
Resist the temptation to sing America the Beautiful to show how grateful you are to live in the United States. The moment you utter the lyrics from “sea to shining sea,” someone is going to substitute “from the river to the sea,” for that verse instantly triggering a quarrel.
December
A Brooklyn man was convicted of robbing a matzah factory. He was sentenced to eight years in Unleavenworth.
Donald Trump denied charges that he had read Mein Kampf or plagiarized from Hitler when he declared that migrants were poisoning the blood of the United States. He reminded his MAGA followers that he has never read such a long book without pictures and that “hate minds think alike.”
The Colorado Supreme Court has ruled that Donald Trump is ineligible to appear on the state’s Republican primary presidential ballot because he violated his oath of office by upending rather than defending the Constitution.
*
Baron is professor emeritus at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via Lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com
Great year end review! Happy New Year!