By Shayna Kaufmann
SAN DIEGO — I’m answering emails and half watching the 2024 Emmy Awards on TV, mostly to see the fancy dresses and gorgeous humans. I gaze up from my laptop as Niecy Nash-Betts accepts her trophy for Outstanding Supporting Actress, proudly raises it to the sky, and yells “I’m a winner, baby!” Now, I am watching with my full attention. I see Niecy give a powerful, emotional acceptance speech, which includes a loud shout-out to an unusually recognized person:
“And you know who else I wanna thank? I wanna thank me, for believing in me and doing what they said I could not do. And I wanna say to myself in front of all you beautiful people, ‘go on, girl, with your bad self’!”
I clap and hoot for Niecy from my couch! It is not only what Niecy said but how she says it. She stands tall, looks directly at the audience, and praises herself with full, unapologetic passion. I am wowed and inspired by her refreshing honesty and pride. She earned that award and owned it.
Watching Niecy’s speech made my reflect that I seldom fully own my accomplishments, without bemoaning them – without poking holes at every aspect that was not Emmy-worthy. Whether it is claiming my success or receiving compliments, the pattern is the same – brush off my accomplishments and focus on my shortcomings: “But, I forgot to do that,” or “Thanks, but I could have done that better,” while barely praising myself for what I did well. These instinctual “buts” are not kind; they lessen my joy and diminish my accomplishments, and myself, in the process.
There are many reasons for this common tendency to downplay our successes:
- The Imposter Syndrome – a phenomenon where we doubt our abilities and fear being exposed as frauds, even when our competence is evident.
- Societal Expectations and Stereotypes About Gender Roles – the concern of being perceived as boastful or arrogant if we openly acknowledge our achievements.
- Comparison and Perfectionism – the trap of comparing ourselves with others and setting unrealistic standards. This can result in the common feeling of being “not good enough.”
When we succumb to these forces, we make ourselves small and disempowered. If you relate to any of these, join me to challenge these tendencies and stand tall.
- Remind yourself of your capabilities, without downplaying them – “I rocked that webinar” or “I handled that situation like a pro.”
- Use “I” statements to own them – “I did that really well” instead of “It was really good.”
- Celebrate your big and small wins to reinforce their worthiness. Share your success with a friend. Even better, do it over a glass of wine or shopping splurge.
And then, “go on, girl, with your bad self!” Cheers to all of our big, and small, successes!
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Shayna Kaufmann, a clinical psychologist, is the founder of Embrace the Middle.
Great article Shayna!!!!