Hounding the Headlines: The Interview

By Elona Baron (as Told to Laurie Baron)

SAN DIEGO — My human servants [I don’t consider them my owners since they are always serving me] have been talking lately about moving from our house and into a condo or independent living community.  I’m not happy about this.  I worry about how long it will take me to learn to identify the smell of the pee signatures of the dogs in my new neighborhood so I can avoid Dobermans, Pit Bulls, and yappy little dogs.

What scares me more is that some condos and independent living communities either ban dogs or require that they weigh no more than 25 pounds.  This is blatant sizeism. At a svelte 50 pounds I don’t want to take Ozempic to get down to the qualifying weight.  Of course, I could go on the canine anorexic diet of eating lots of grass and purging.

Friends of my humans have applied to purchase a unit in an independent living community.  When they mentioned they had a large dog, they were told that the management would have to “interview” their dog to make sure he is quiet and well-behaved.  What questions will be asked? :

What breed is the dog?  I hope the management doesn’t discriminate against mongrels like me just because we had a tough puppyhood in a shelter.  Look at me: I’m a rags to bitches story.

What is the decibel level of its bark?  Does it try to drown out loud music emanating from a neighbor’s home?  I reserve the right to howl if a neighbor is playing heavy metal music.

Has it learned to be sexually inhibited or does it go into heat or hump other dogs and people even after it as neutered. An unfair inquiry since humans engage in those activities all the time.

Is it house-trained?  This is a discriminatory question.  None of the humans I know have been trained to pee and poop outside in nature.  Indeed, they defy good hygiene by doing those things inside their homes always in the same room.  At least dogs relieve themselves in different places.

Has it had its rabies shots?  I understand the health concerns behind this question, but some dogs imitate their humans in becoming antivaxxers who resent being forced into annual inoculations.

Does it chew drywall?  How quiet and nondestructive is it when its human servants go on vacation?  The easy way to avoid this problem is for humans to stay home.

Has it ever been incarcerated for biting, scratching, or vagrancy?  Did it enter the country illegally?  The dog my humans had before me was born in Mexico.  He was not a drug dealer or rapist.  Although dogs rarely kill anyone, they are frequently given the death penalty.

It seems to me that management should worry more about their human tenants than their dogs!

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Elona resides with Bonnie and Laurie Baron. The latter is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. No animals were harmed in the writing of this column.