By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO — Seeking the Nobel Peace Prize that eluded him during his first term, Donald Trump hopes to end the wars in Gaza and Ukraine. When his term is over [if it is ever over] he plans to produce a reality show called The Mediator in which he’ll resolve disputes utilizing his unique approach to making deals. Here’s what the pilot for The Mediator might look like.
Announcer: Welcome to The Mediator with our host Donald Trump, the world’s greatest mediator. He knows how to bring conflicting parties together since he always remains neutral. On today’s program, he is arbitrating between divorced wife Yuki Crane and her former husband Russ A. Gressor. Although the courts awarded her their home. Russ barged into her house, beat her up, and occupied the master bedroom, kitchen, and his man cave. She wants him to leave the house and seeks a restraining order to protect her from future assaults by him.
Trump: Russ, tell me your side of the story.
Russ: Yuki had been distancing herself from me for a long time. She physically and verbally abused me. She mobilized our neighbors to defend her. The judge who granted her ownership of the home was appointed by Joe Biden. When I entered the house to claim what was legally mine, she threw dishes at me forcing me to hit her and occupy the room in the house where I spent the most time,
Trump: Yuki, is this true?
Yuki: No, the judge wasn’t biased. The evidence was indisputable. During our prior fights when the police had to intervene, it was clear Russ had punched me and pushed me out of certain rooms temporarily. If I thought this could be settled amicably, I wouldn’t have requested this mediation.
Trump: Well, you sound like a bitch. If I were your husband, I’d be provoked too. Why did you call the police in the first place? That doesn’t strike me as something an innocent wife would do. I also don’t trust that judge. I’ve noticed your husband is wearing a MAGA hat. The judge’s decision appears to be another instance of Biden’s judicial weaponization. Men should be kings of their own castle! Normally, when I’ve mediated on the world stage, I simplify the negotiation process by consulting only the party I believe is right to discuss the matter. You’re lucky that I’ve allowed you to be present at these deliberations. Frankly, you’ve caused your husband a lot of trouble. He can remain in your house. If you want me to protect you from him in the future, you must accede to his demands and grant me part ownership of your house for my efforts.
Yuki: That’s unjust! I’m going to bring my case to Judge Judy.
Trump: Of course, she was a DEI hire by CBS. Worse yet, she endorsed Nikki Haley!
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Laurie Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University.